Our Christmas Miracle!!!

After 2 1/2 years, multiple fertility treatments and various heartbreaks Mike and I are beyond ECSTATIC to announce that we were blessed with our Christmas miracle after a last minute decision to do another round of in-vitro.  Baby Ricci is FINALLY on their way and due to arrive Sept 3, 2012!!!! We are overjoyed with this news and we can't wait for our new addition! We found out Christmas morning and surprised both ourselves, and our families with the news on Christmas day! It was truly a magical and memorable Christmas and we are thrilled to finally be adding to our family in 2012.

I am SUPER early along but I am just too excited to not share the news. We went in for bloodwork yesterday after three positive home pregnancy tests and confirmed that I am indeed pregnant and am about 4 weeks along. We will be going in for an ultrasound on January 10th to find out if there is one baby or two in there and we can't wait to hear our little one's heartbeat. We are both still in shock and this whole experience has been completely surreal but we are already so completely in love with Baby Ricci and can't wait for the journey to parenthood to begin.

As for me I am feeling pretty well, just tired, have some back aches and headaches and have an enhanced sense of smell, but I am going to enjoy every moment of this incredible journey and I can't believe it's finally happening. Even my nightly progesterone shots are now a piece of cake. :)

Thank you all SO much for your continuted love, support, prayers, faith and hope for us and Baby Ricci. I know without our amazing families, friends and the support of this blog and my RESOLVE fertility group, we wouldn't have made it through this difficult time and Baby Ricci wouldn't be on their way.

So, "I'm Pregnant!" Wow, these words are so crazy to hear out of my mouth but are words I am so thrilled to say! It's been a hard, long wait but I always knew it would be worth it in the end and it truly is!  I will keep you all updated on my progress, for better or worse, and am looking forward to sharing the pregnancy journey with you as well.

I hope each of you had a very Merry and magical Christmas too and for all of you out there who read this and are trying, I truly hope you will be blessed with your miracles soon!  Once you see those two pink lines, I PROMISE everything you are going through will all be worth it.

All my best and love,

Lauren :)

Transfer Day!

We made it!  For the first time we were able to make it to transfer day and what a wonderful day it was!  I woke up yesterday like a kid on Christmas morning and after running a few errands, we ended up at our appointment half an hour early.  I sat there giddy with excitement and anxious to finally get our little eggies inside of me.

We were finally taken back to the transfer room and Dr. Johnstone came in to give us an update on our eggies.  She shared with us that 8 were still viable but that only 1 made it to the blastocyst stage.  The other 7 were in various stages of the morula stage, but none were of great quality.  She asked how many we wanted to transfer and we told her two so she chose the best two, gave me a couple vallium and said she would be back in 10 minutes. 

By the time Dr. Johnstone came back I was feeling great and she got ready to transfer our little eggies. The transfer itself was pretty simple (especially after everything else I have been through), and it was only a tiny bit more invasive than a normal papsmear. In all honesty, the only part that was uncomfortable was when they cleaned my cervix.   Mike was able to stay in the room and watch the eggies get loaded into the catherter and transferred into me. The transfer took all of 5 minutes and then I spent the next half hour sleeping in the transfer room. 

Below is the first picture of Baby Ricci/Riccis and are the two eggies that were implanted in me.  I think the top is a girl because it's stronger and Miss Annie thinks the bottom looks like Mike :)  Isn't technology amazing?

  

You will also notice the fertility charm in the picture as well.  My step-dad Rod gave it to me a few months ago and I held it and rubbed it the entire time for luck.  Mike being the smart-alec and logical person he is, finally said "you should find one that says science and rub that because if this works, it's because of science."  It was a pretty funny comment and will definitely be a story we remember for life.    

Following transfer and a quick stop at Cafe Rio for lunch (to go of course), we headed home and have been spending the weekend watching the newest season of Dexter.  Mike has been a Nazi Nurse umm I mean a fabulous nurse and has been regulating every time I get up to walk anywhere.  I am not the best bed rest patient but I really am trying not to move around too much, but I really hate having to ask for everything I need/want.  I am too self-sufficient but I am trying to enjoy being waited on hand and foot because it's not going to last for long.

Even though everything went as perfect as it could yesterday, we did get some sad news this morning.  After transferring the two best quality embryos, they allowed the remaining 6 to continue growing.  Unfortunately this morning when they checked them, they had either all died or are on their way to dying.  What this means is that we don't have any to freeze so if this doesn't work, we will have to go through another fresh cycle again.  As difficult as the process is, I know I am strong enough to endure it again if I need to and this cycle was basically a freebie anyway.  I am just hoping it won't come down to that.   

So, now we wait until my pregnancy test at the end of December... It's such a strange and amazing feeling to know that there are two little embryos in there trying to find their home and that in a mere few weeks I could finally hear the words "you're pregnant".  While I am extremely optimistic that this cycle will work, I know there is a 45% chance it won't and we will have to start this process all over again.  If that's the case, I will be devastated, but in the same breath I have the most amazing husband, friends and family and we will get through it together.  I am just really hoping for a Christmas miracle and that 2012 will be a life changing year.    Happy holidays everyone!  I hope you all get your own miracles too!  :) 

11 is our lucky number...

Hello blogreaders,

I know I have been MIA for a while and a lot of it is because I was emotionally drained from my previous IVF cycle and it took a good month and a half for me to completely heal, both physically and mentally. In order to deal with what was going on and the devastation a failed IVF cycle brought, I buried myself in work and spent a week in California working, gathering my thoughts and spending some much needed one on one time with mah Be. I came home from that trip rejuvinated and ready to jump into another IVF cycle.

To back up a little bit, my first day back at work from my previous bed rest it was announced that our infertility insurance was changing and that everything done this year wouldn't count toward our new $30,000 infertility lifetime max. Although I wasn't ready to jump into another fresh cycle so soon and my IVF Dr. didn't love the idea, we decided because my ovaries were back to size and it was basically a free cycle we would go ahead with another round. Due to the length of time a cycle takes and the Christmas holiday, we chose to do an antagonistic IVF cycle, so there were a few less shots (no Lupron) and the process was a week shorter. I started my birth control on November 7th, as well as the drug metformin, which is primarily used in diabetic patients, but has been found to help with hyperstimulation. Metformin is a pretty nasty drug though and for the first few weeks of taking it I was nauseous and threw up a few times. It was basically like having morning sickness without the baby.

My body finally got used to the metformin and on December 2nd, I began my follicle stimulating shots of Repronex and Follistim. Due to hyperstimulating last time, they decreased my dose of Follistim from 150mg to 100mg and I was going in daily for an ultrasound to see how everything was progressing. As soon as there was a follicle above 13, they had me start another daily shot of a drug called Ganorelix to stop my brain and ovaries from talking to each other.

Everything had been going well and they were monitoring my estrogen levels very closely because of what happened last time, that is until I went in on Friday, December 9th. The day before they had drawn some blood to check my estrogen and found that it was once again high (3,000) and I was going down the same hyperstimulation path as I had last time. The Dr. had me have more blood work done and then ordered me to bed rest and put me on a gatorade diet to help alleviate some of the hyperstimulation symptoms. As I sat in the office with tears running down my face that Friday and trying not to bawl as they once again handed me a "hat" and a measuring tape, they informed me of a fairly new protocol they are able to use in antagonistic cycles. Due to the fact that I had not been taking Lupron this cycle, they could use Lupron to to trigger my ovulation instead of HCG because it doesn’t contribute to hyperstimulation. They also put me on a cautionary prescription and told me to take it easy Friday and Saturday and they would call me after they got the results of my estrogen to decide whether or not it was OK for me to go in for a retrieval. They also reminded me that even if I could do a retrieval, my hyperstimulation symptoms would most likely increase and there was a very small chance I would be able to do a transfer and we would most likely need to freeze all of the embryos and do a frozen cycle at a later date.

After I left the Dr.'s office and had my complete meltdown, I received a call from the U. They informed me that even though my estrogen was still high (4,000), they wanted to do a retrieval on Sunday and I needed to trigger that night. Although I was excited this cycle was still a go, I was really worried about the pain and anguish I thought I would for sure feel. I went in on Sunday extremely anxious, although hopeful, and went through another egg retrieval.

To my surprise and relief, I came out of my retrieval feeling pretty good. I did not experience any of the same symptoms I had last time and just spent Sunday taking it easy and drinking gatorade to keep the symptoms at bay. They were able to retrieve 16 eggies and on Tuesday I learned that 12 were mature, 11 were able to fertilize and 11 were still growing and dividing like they should. As of this morning, all 11 were still growing, although three aren't doing as well as the others, and I am scheduled for my first transfer tomorrow morning at 11:00 am. I am in total shock that we are getting to this point and I am feeling extremely blessed and thankful that the Dr.'s were able to reverse the hyperstimulation and salvage this cycle.

So that's my story for the past few months. I apologize for not sharing earlier but I kept this cycle on the DL because of everything that happened last time and my fear of the same thing happening. It was only after I was told that this cycle looked as though it was going to fail as well that I felt the courage and need to share our journey again.

I am anxiously awaiting my transfer tomorrow and am happy to report that Mike is on board with transferring two. For some reason this time feels so much different than anything else we have ever done and I am extremely hopeful that Baby Ricci or Riccis will be on their way soon.

Thanks again for all of your love, support, comments, advice and inspiring words. I wouldn't be able to get through all of this without my amazing friends, family, my RESOLVE group, co-workers and this blog.

XOXOX...

Lauren

Fertility math?

From the outside, Holly Finn certainly looks fertile.
 
With shoulder-length dark hair, smooth skin and a slim but curvaceous figure, the San Francisco-area writer could be any young mom with a baby on her hip.

But at 43, Finn says, her ovaries know better — and she would have, too, if not for what she believes is society’s widespread ignorance about infertility.

“I really feel that there are important pieces of information that don’t get passed along,” says Finn, who has now tried for four years to conceive through in-vitro fertilization. “I actually think it’s quite a brutal dishonesty.

Most women aren't taught — and don't learn — basic facts about fertility and aging, says Finn, author of the e-book “The Baby Chase." Instead, celeb moms the likes of Salma Hayek (a baby girl at 41), Marcia Cross (twins at 44) and Mariah Carey (twins at 41) make being an older mom look easy — and glamorous.

“It’s not that we’re stupid,” she says. “It’s that we’ve been misinformed.”

As proof, she points to a new survey conducted on behalf of RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, and presented at the American Society of Reproductive Medicine’s recent annual meeting.

The poll of 1,000 women ages 25 to 35 who had talked to doctors about fertility found that participants could correctly answer seven out of 10 basic questions less than half the time. The Fertility IQ 2011 Survey found that women were wrong most often about how long it takes to get pregnant — and about how much fertility declines at various ages.

“We were not at all surprised,” says Barbara Collura, executive director of RESOLVE. “This is what we experience every day.”

Most women simply don’t realize that at 30, a healthy woman has about a 20 percent chance of conceiving and by the time she reaches 40, her odds drop to about 5 percent per month, Collura said.
Instead, many of those surveyed thought that a 30-year-old woman would have a 70 percent chance of conceiving and that a 40-year-old’s chances could approach 60 percent.

They also believed that a 20-year-old woman might get pregnant in less than two months of unprotected sex, rather than the five months that is the average.

“It’s basic biology and basic knowledge of how age impacts your fertility if you’re a woman,” says Collura.

But most women aren’t getting those basics until it’s too late, said Dr. William Schoolcraft, medical director of the Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine in Denver and two other locations.
"They don't even come in for fertility treatment until they're literally in their 40s," he said. "Some come in and they have run out of time."

In a country where sex education focuses primarily on avoiding pregnancy and preventing sexually transmitted diseases, most women believe that having a baby is inevitably easy.

But that neglects the reality that infertility affects some 7.3 million women in the United States, or 12 percent of the child-bearing female population, and about 1 in 8 couples, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. After about age 35, fertility plummets, Schoolcraft said.

So when women decide they want to get pregnant and can’t, they’re stunned. Some of the shock is because of advances in health and beauty that allow women to look — and feel — younger, even as their reproductive systems march on.

“People kind of think now at 40 what they used to think at 30,” Schoolcraft said. “People do yoga and they run and they do all these healthy things. They assume that means ‘I’m not aging.’ But their eggs don’t know that.”

Part of the disconnect is because of advances in infertility treatment, which have helped boost the rates of births among women in their 40s, even as rates have dropped for younger moms. Between 2008 and 2009, births in women aged 20 to 24 reached a record low, falling 7 percent. At the same time, the rates for women aged 40 to 44 jumped 3 percent and births to women older than 50 climbed 5 percent.

Those numbers are exemplified by a series of high-profile births in older celebrities, including icons such as Kelly Preston (son at 48), Holly Hunter (twins at 47) and Jane Seymour (twins at 44.)
The famous mamas may or may not disclose whether they’ve used fertility aids, such as IVF or donated eggs, says Schoolcraft. That further contributes to the notion that it’s never too late to have a baby.

“It sends the message, if she can do it, then Miss Healthy Boring Me, I won’t have any trouble at 41 or 42,” Schoolcraft says.

The trouble is, such thinking can cheat a woman out of her options, Collura says. It’s one thing to postpone children in order to pursue education or a career, fully knowing it might be more difficult to get pregnant later. It’s another thing to be surprised by infertility.

“This is not about empowering women and women’s rights,” she says. “This is about science and biology 101.”

That is precisely Holly Finn’s point. She wishes she had realized earlier the effects that endometriosis and age might have on her ability to conceive. If she had her way, she’d tell women ages 26 to 34 one thing: "Start having babies now."

After eight unsuccessful cycles, Finn is taking a break from IVF therapy, but she plans to pursue other infertility treatments or different paths to parenthood in the future.

“Giving up hope is almost impossible,” Finn says.

-JoNel Aleccia
Today.com

Please be gentle with me...

 A friend of mine shared this blogpost on Brave Girls Club with me and this story really resonated with me.

The story talks about the masks we wear and the signs we wish we could wear around our necks so everyone knew what trial we were currently enduring and would be a little more understanding.  I know I have not been my normal self and have been much more flaky then I usually am, but it's because I am hurting.  I am hurting physically and emotionally and I can barely be there enough for myself, so I haven't been able to be there for anybody else.  I feel bad that I have let certain things fall through the cracks and am only able to give myself 80%, but it's because I am broken, I am hollow and I am missing a piece of myself.  So...

and I really am.  I wish I could be the person I have aways been but right now, I have to be selfish, I have to take care of me.  So if I have not been the friend, the daughter, the wife, the listening ear, the co-worker, the volunteer, the confidant or the person I normally am, please forgive me, I am doing all I can to hold myself together...

A Heartbreaking and Painful Step Back...

This week has been an emotional rollercoaster, to say the least, and the outcome was far from what we had wished for. Let’s rewind to 8 days ago…

October 13, 2011- This was the day we had been waiting for. I had cleared all my estrogen tests, had taken my trigger shot and I was ready to be put under and have our little eggies retrieved. We went in that morning as happy as could be and thought, “this is it, this is the next step towards Baby Ricci.” They put me under and an hour later then wheeled me back into a recovery room and told me everything had gone well and they were able to collect 12 eggies. We were both very excited with the results, but I was in a TON of pain and it just continued to get worse. They finally gave me something to help with the pain and an hour later sent me on my way. On the way home from the retrieval I was starving but all I wanted was frozen yogurt so we headed to Menchie’s, a new frozen yogurt shop I had never been to. I waddled in hunched over and made myself a yogurt but after two bites I got the “I am going to vomit” feeling and ran to their brand new stainless steel trash can and lost it. It was just the beginning of my week from hell…

After we arrived home and my pain pills began to wear off, the pain continued to get worse and worse. I was unable to move and the gas pains were so intense that every inch of my body ached. I figured it was just a result of my surgery and this is how every woman feels after an egg retrieval, so I just continued to take the pain pills they had prescribed along with drinking a lot of water, downing gas-x and doing everything possible to become comfortable. That first day was miserable and poor Mike had to do everything for me because I was unable to walk or put any pressure on either of my shoulders due to the severe gas pains. I finally was able to fall asleep that evening after building a fort of pillows both around and under me and I thought the next day would be better.

October 14, 2011- The next morning I began to feel a little better, but I was still in quite a bit of pain and my stomach had become extremely bloated and distended. I honestly had gained about 6 pounds overnight and it was all showing in my belly. I once again attributed it to the retrieval and just continued taking gas-x and pain pills to help with the pain, but nothing seemed to help. I finally went into my acupuncture appointment and she was able to help relieve some of the pain, but I still was not myself. I went home to rest some more and as much as I wanted to go, I ended up having to miss The Colors of Life fundraiser for The Sharing Place, which I have attended every year for 10 years. Although I was still in severe pain, I once again just chalked it up to "this is how all girls feel after a retrieval".

October 15, 2011- Saturday I began to feel a bit better, although I was still in a lot of pain and fatigued. I perked up quite a bit though when I received the call from the andrology department telling us that they had actually extracted 14 eggs and 9 of them were mature, 8 were fertilized and 8 were growing perfectly. I was in such a state of bliss that it made all the pain, both emotional and physical, feel like it was finally worth it. We scheduled the transfer for day 5 and began talking about how different life was going to be when this baby was finally in our lives.

October 16, 2011- Sunday morning I was finally able to shower, take a trip to Costco and cook a few things. I was feeling pretty good throughout the day and although I wasn’t 100%, I thought I was on the mend. I went to bed early that evening in order to get ready for a long day of work on Monday so that I could be completely stress-free while I began to grow Baby Ricci.

October 17, 2011- I went in to work at 6:30 am because I had so much to do. I wasn’t feeling great but I wanted to make sure I got everything done before I took the next three days off for bed rest after my transfer. I knew things weren’t 100% right with me when I lugged my monthly Costco trip in and it took me an hour to distribute everything rather than my normal 20 minutes, but I just kept going on with my day. After working extremely hard all day to complete my tasks, I began experiencing some chest pains around 2:00 pm. I have never had heart burn so I just chalked it up to that, took some TUMS and continued working my little tail off until 7:30 pm.

When I finally left my chest pains were getting worse and I thought I had overdone it a little bit and needed to go home and just rest. The chest pains never let up though and they began radiating to my back and making it hard to breathe.  Being the stubborn person I am though I just thought they would go away when I went to sleep and went about my evening. At 11:30 pm when I attempted to lie down and go to sleep, my chest and back pains became so bad I started begging Mike to take me to the ER. We arrived at around 12:00 am and I was admitted around 12:45 am. By this point my chest pains were pretty severe and they came and drew blood, put an IV in and finally gave me some pain medication around 1:30 am. At about 2:30 am the Dr. came in and told me that one of the blood tests had revealed that I may have a blood clot in my lung and they needed to do a CT scan. About an hour after that, the radiologist finally came to get me and I underwent my first ever CT scan. For those of you who have never had one, it’s a very strange feeling. They inject your body with iodine through your IV and when it’s inserted, your entire body goes warm for about 2 minutes and you get the taste of metal on your tongue.

After the CT scan they brought me back to my room and about an hour later the Dr. once again came in and told me I didn’t have any clots and that I most likely was having a back spasm and I could be discharged. We finally made it home around 5:00 am and although I was still in quite a bit of pain, Mike and I both took a two hour nap before we were supposed to head up to the infertility clinic for my transfer.

October 18, 2011- After a long night in the ER and hardly any sleep, I was ready to get the transfer over with and head back home for three days of bed rest. I was worried that they may not do the transfer due to my hospital stay but tried to assure myself that because they had not found a clot and thought it was my back, they would most likely continue. After being brought back to the transfer room Dr. Hammoud came in and asked how I was feeling. I told him I had been to the ER for chest pains but that they thought it was my back and I was feeling ok now. Dr. Hammoud excused himself and came back a bit later with an ultrasound machine. He explained that I looked incredibly sick and I was most likely suffering from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome or *OHSS and they needed to do an ultrasound. Following the ultrasound Dr. Hammoud stated that I was indeed suffering from *OHSS, which is why I was having chest pains, and we shouldn’t go through with the transfer due to my current state of health. Although in his opinion we should not continue, he would leave the choice to us, although if we chose to go ahead and do one and I were to become pregnant, I would most likely end up in the hospital and lose the pregnancy because I would be so ill. On top of this news, he told me that only 2 of our 8 fertilized eggies had survived until day 5 and the two remaining embryos were fair in quality and probably wouldn’t be able to be frozen. He gave us a few minutes to discuss it amongst ourselves and the minute he walked out of the room, I lost it. Here I was on the day that I thought our lives were going to change for the better and I was sobbing uncontrollably and in excruciating pain. As much as my heart told me to do the transfer, my head knew better and we chose to terminate this IVF cycle.

After I was finally able to collect myself, they sent me on my way with two prescriptions to stop the IVF process, strict orders to drink 64 oz of Gatorade a day and at minimum, three days of bed rest. I was also sent home with a “hat” to monitor my urine output, a tape measure to keep track of my abdominal girth and the nurses phone number I was to call every day to report my stats. I left what was supposed to be my transfer appointment feeling completely destroyed mentally and physically and as though I was a failure of a woman. I couldn’t and still can’t believe that our baby is still so far away and that we went through the entire arduous process only to have to start from scratch again in a few months. My heart is truly broken and I feel so helpless and out of control. I know this isn’t my fault and this is a known complication of IVF, but I am so angry that it had to happen to me. I just wanted one thing in this whole process to go right.

As of right now I am still on bed rest and feeling sorry for myself that our little family won’t be complete until at least 2012. I am devastated that this happened but I am attempting to move forward and find peace and acceptance about this situation within myself. I am very fortunate that I am surrounded by such amazing friends and family and I have had the most amazing support throughout all of this. I know Baby Ricci will get here one way or another, it’s just hard to accept that it may not be the way we want, or in our timing, but they will get here. Our current plan is to begin the IVF process again in January and hopefully do retrieval and transfer in February. In the mean time Mike and I plan to enjoy my work trip to Napa where we will drink too much and spend time with one another, spoil ourselves for Christmas with things we don’t need, finish up some projects around the house, celebrate Mike’s 30th birthday on 11.11.11, take a much needed tropical vacation to Trinidad and Tobago for some much needed together time and R and R and splurge on a dinner at our favorite restaurant Cucina Toscana. While I know none of these things will heal the large hole in my heart, they at least give me something to look forward to as we begin yet another long wait in this fertility journey.

* click here to learn all about OHSS and what symptoms to look for.

Please stop the ride, I am ready to get off now…

The past week has been a series of ups and downs in regards to this IVF cycle and I am ready to stop being thrown around. First was the unexpected bleeding and severe headaches that occurred last week and what I went it for on Monday to have checked. I was nervous for my ultrasound because they weren’t sure why I was bleeding but my ultrasound showed everything was fine and that we were on track to do a harvest on Thursday. As part of the routine check, they did some blood work to evaluate my estrogen and sent me on my way. I had no reason to believe everything wasn’t ok but then that afternoon I received a call from my nurse and she told me my estrogen count was through the roof but that my follicles were not yet mature enough to trigger so my Dr. wanted me to quit taking my Repronex and come in on Tuesday for an ultrasound and more blood work. I went in yesterday and had another ultrasound and all of the follicles had grown considerably. My Dr. told me that in a normal case, I would be ready for harvest but due to my estrogen levels being so high the day prior, I needed to have more blood work done in order to rule out Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome is a complication that can arise from taking fertility medications and is due to blood vessels and follicles leaking fluid into the ovaries and causing them to become enlarged. The symptoms of it include bloating, abdominal pain, weight gain and nausea and it can lead to blood clots, kidney failure, loss of fertility and hospitalization. Usually if OHSS is suspected, medical professionals will stop your IVF cycle before harvest or before implantation because OHSS doesn’t actually occur until after ovulation and gets worse if you become pregnant. If you are able to get through Harvest but have to stop before implantation, they will usually freeze any embryos that have grown so they can be used in another cycle.


I knew hyperstimulation was a risk but I was attempting to be optimistic and wasn’t worried that it would happen to me but I have quickly learned that anything that can go wrong in this process, will. After having more blood work done on Tuesday, I anxiously waited for my test results and the fate of this cycle. My estrogen level had been 3,500 on Monday and my Dr. told me that if my estrogen was above 5,000 on Tuesday, we would have to stop my cycle to avoid OHSS. After a few meltdowns during the wait for the nurse’s phone call, I finally got the news that my estrogen count was a 4,730 and even though it was a lot higher than normal, I was tolerating the side effects better than most and they would be ok proceeding with this cycle of IVF. I was instructed to take my HCG shot last night and scheduled my harvest for Thursday morning.


While I am relieved we can continue with this cycle, I have learned that everything can change in a blink of an eye and I am living one day at a time. If I make it through the harvest without complications, I will be happy. but then there is the worry that the eggs won’t fertilize, that the embryos will die before transfer day, that there won’t be any viable eggs, that implantation won’t occur or that due to OHSS, they won’t be able to do an implantation and I will have to freeze them. I know I should be more positive and I am extremely hopeful this will work but until I started this process, I didn’t know how involved it was and how much really could go wrong. I am hoping that I have good news following the harvest and that we are still on our way to an implantation and hopefully baby Ricci, but as of right now, I am just focusing on my Harvest tomorrow and not much else. I will make sure to post my progress, as well as our embryos and what we decide to do in regards to transferring one or two. Since I will be on bedrest for 2-3 days following the transfer, I will have plenty of time to write. Wish me luck that nothing else goes wrong and that Baby Ricci will FINALLY be on their way because I need all the positivity and good vibes I can get!

Repronex, ICSI and Acupuncture oh my!

I have been really MIA lately because work is INSANE and IVF is really taking a toll on me both mentally and physically. I am on my three shots a day routine now and my poor tummy is black and blue with lots of red welts due to the repronex and follistim (egg stimulating shots). This round of shots has been much more difficult and painful and I am not reacting very well to the additional medication. I haven’t been super hormonal (at least I don’t think so Mike may think otherwise) but I have had some serious migraines and nausea, am exhausted all of the time and have had a few “I want to kill you” rage moments. I also had a scare on Wednesday when I unexpectedly started bleeding. I immediately called the nurse and they were pretty concerned about it because it’s unusual to bleed at this part of the cycle so they scheduled me for an ultrasound this morning and told me to watch it. It subsided yesterday so they said I could just plan to come in on Monday for my normally scheduled ultrasound and we can evaluate where we need to go from there. I am hoping that it was just a fluke and everything is OK, but I won’t know much until Monday and there is a possibility I may have to stop my cycle, which is very stressful. It would be incredibly heartbreaking to have to stop now since I am so far along in the process. I am really trying to be positive and am crossing my fingers, toes and everything in between that my ultrasound goes well on Monday and that I can do the egg harvest some time next week.

On top of the shots being more difficult, we learned that we do have to do ICSI since Mike’s sperm did not penetrate the hamster eggs as often as they needed to. They want to see about 80% and Mike was at a 67%. We also learned through the hamster penetration test that many of the heads of Mike’s sperm are shaped incorrectly, which makes it very difficult to fertilize an egg. While I am happy this is an easy fix through ICSI, this news was frustrating because he has been tested a few times and we have never been told that may be part of the issue. Due to the “penetration” issue along with all of my other problems, IUI probably never would have worked so I am happy we didn’t try that for too long. I just feel that we solve one piece of the puzzle and then find another problem. It’s hard to feel we are always taking one step forward and two steps back in this whole infertility journey.

As of right now I am still set to do my harvest sometime next week but I will know more on Monday if and when it will be, so I am just trying to stay busy in the meantime. I have begun to do acupuncture again and I would highly recommend my acupuncturist. Her name is Brighton Roper and she works at Utah Family Acupuncture and Herbs. She specializes in fertility acupuncture and she had a septum removal and has since had a baby girl, so that is always encouraging. Plus she is relatively inexpensive and whether or not it helps, it at least gives me some piece of mind that I am doing everything I can.

IVF is hard and it’s unfair but I am trying to stay as positive as possible and am apparently drowning my sorrows and pain in buying baby blankets, eating cookie dough and shopping for home decor. Whatever keeps me sane right? Hope you all have a good weekend and GOOOO Utes!

Someday it will all be worth it...

I ran across this quote on my friend's blog and had to share. Can't wait to experience the magic of motherhood.

"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for."
--Anonymous

Here are a few other quotes that have helped get me through the days... Thank you pinterest.

One week down, 4 more to go...

I have finished one week of shots and am finally off birth control. The first few days of shots were scary and it literally took 10 minutes to get up the courage to stick myself but after 3 days, it came much more easily. I haven’t really had many side effects from the Lupron except that I am feeling much more needy and lethargic and feel like I have put on some weight or am really bloated. I have gotten some pretty awesome bruises thanks to the shots and pretty soon I am sure it’s going to look as though Mike beats me. I also got my first IVF injury this weekend while we were in Denver. I had to bring my shots with me but I didn’t want to bring my sharps container because it’s so big. Usually I don’t worry too much about capping the syringes since they go straight into the sharps container but since I didn’t have one with me, I was being pretty careful putting the cap back on so I could bring the used syringes home with me . As I put the cap on, the needle bent and went out the side of the cap and pricked my finger. I think it hurt worst then any shot I have given myself!

Overall giving shots isn’t too bad but because I am so busy, I have had to plan a lot more since you are supposed to take the shots at the same time of day (9:30 pm for me). This weekend while we were in Denver we went to Oktoberfest and because we were planning to be there late, I brought my syringe with me. I am sure it looked rather strange when I pulled out my alcohol swab and syringe and stuck myself in the midst of the celebration (there really wasn’t a good place to do it and the port-o-potties were not going to cut it), but you gotta do what you gotta do. I will have to do the same thing this weekend at the Utah game so I better get used to it. At least these shots are easy and more discreet; I am not sure what I am going to do when I get up to three shots that Mike is supposed to administer.

I go in tomorrow for an ultrasound to see where my eggs are at and hopefully will be able to schedule my harvest date. For now though, here is a funny picture from the weekend… The Lupron is supposed to be kept in the dark so we decided to wrap it up in tin foil for our flight to Denver. Doesn’t it look like I am a heroin addict? Makes me laugh. Happy Monday everyone!

Welcome to IVF...

This additional box of goodies arrived on my doorstep yesterday. I thought the first box was overwhelming but this one definitely takes the cake.

It came with 5 additional drugs, mixing instructions and these syringes…

These needles will be used the duration of my IVF cycle starting next week and they definitely freak me out more than the small needles I have been using do. I swear once I get through IVF, I will be able to do anything! Thanks for all the support and good thoughts. I feel like I have been more whiney and needy lately so I appreciate you all putting up with me.

On a funny note (and something I didn’t know before all this), Mike had to go in on Monday for a hamster penetration test. Apparently when you do IVF up at the U, they have the sperm donor (in my case Mike) give a sample and pair the sperm with a hamster egg to see if it will be able to penetrate the egg naturally in order to fertilize it. If it is able to penetrate the egg then when you undergo IVF, they will pair the sperm and allow it to fertilize itself but if it is unable to penetrate the hamster egg then when you undergo IVF, they do what is called Ixy where they manually inject the sperm into the egg in order to fertilize it. I think it’s incredible what modern medicine can do but it made me laugh and all weekend Mike was telling his friends he had to impregnate a hamster and he wondered if they would let him get to know the hamster before trying to have its baby. You have to find some humor in this entire process I guess. Apparently I am feeling better today, even with my new array of meds.

An "it's not fair" kind of day...

Today as I looked down at all my syringes and dealt with the feelings of nausea and cramping due to my Lupron, I began to have a “this isn’t fair” kind of day. While I should be counting my blessings that I have a husband who is not only involved, but is compassionate, caring and willing to do all he needs to bring baby Ricci here, that I have amazing insurance that is not only paying for everything, but is navigating all of the hoops and hurdles for me and that I have some incredible girlfriends who want a child for us as much as we do, today isn’t one of those days. It’s not fair that I have to endure all the signs of pregnancy without any of the benefit, that this process is so much more involved than I could have ever imagined, that I have to answer “not yet” when asked if we have children, that I have to pine over baby clothes and nursery designs for a child I may never have, that I have to hear people bitch and complain about their pregnancy I so deperately wish for and that our sex life and my inability to conceive a child has been opened up not only to Dr.’s and nurses, but to family, friends, co-workers and strangers. I don’t understand what I did to deserve the anguish and pain that comes along with this condition and while I say I am doing fine and I am dealing with it, the truth is, I am only dealing with it as much as someone with a broken heart can. I am trying to stay positive now that we are on the IVF route but truth be told, I have this incredible fear that this isn’t going to work and my final option is going to be taken away from me and we will have to begin the conversations about surrogacy and adoption. I am petrified to make it to that point and while I don’t want infertility to define me, it’s dictating my entire life, causing me to lose trust and is crushing my soul. I have a RESOLVE group tonight and it couldn’t come at a more needed time. Support in this journey is crucial and I am hoping I hear some things tonight from other women who are struggling that will get me through the next 4 weeks and 50+ shots. Some cookie dough, my sweats, my shows and a cozy blanket may help as well…

What I have to look forward to...

This lovely package came in the mail today.

I am excited and nervous to start my first round of shots (lupron) but seeing it all on my dining room table is a little intimidating. The crazy thing is that these are the easy shots! Wish me courage and luck as I become a human pincushion; I am definitely going to need both!

Inspiring Words...

And the IVF journey begins…

Sunday I officially started down the IVF path and today I was given my drug schedule and tentatively scheduled my Egg harvest and my Egg implantation for the middle of October. The process is pretty crazy and there is a lot to remember and do so it is pretty overwhelming. Knowing my husband, I sent him Outlook calendar invites to remind him what stage I am in and what I should be doing so he can keep me on track or can empathize when I am acting crazy.

I am anxious to start everything and while it is a lot to take on and I wish I didn’t have to take this step, I am reveling in the hope this next step brings. If everything goes smoothly my IVF schedule will be this…

9/4 through 9/24- Oral Birth Control Pills- While it may be strange to take birth control in order to get pregnant, it is actually helpful because it synchronizes the immature eggs so they will respond to the other drugs in a similar fashion, which increases the number of mature eggs that can be retrieved during harvesting.

9/18 through 10/2- Beginning of shots! 10 units of Lupron administered through self given shot- Lupron helps prevent the release of eggs prior to egg retrieval.

10/3 through 10/13- 5 units of Lupron also administered through self given shot.

10/3 through 10/13- Add in Repronex and Follistim. Both of these are self given shots and help stimulate the growth and maturation of the eggs.

10/10 through 10/13- Possible Dates of a self-given HCG injection. This helps to mature the eggs so they are ready for ovulation

10/12 through 10/15- Possible dates of egg retrieval- This procedure is done through conscious sedation using a small needle that penetrates the ovaries to collect the eggs.

Following egg retrieval- Daily Progesterone Shots- These shots are self administered and are the consistency of peanut butter. They are done every day until you either find out you are not pregnant or that you are in week 10 of your pregnancy.

10/16 through 10/20- Possible dates of embryo transfer- After the eggs have been fertilized, they watch them for 3-5 days. If they are viable embryos 1-2 can be transferred into the uterus using a small catheter. 2-3 days bedrest following the procedure is recommended.

10/31- Pregnancy Test!

Wouldn’t that be the best Halloween ever?!? This is a very involved process but I am very hopeful and optimistic that this is our answer and that Baby Ricci will be here before we know it. I will keep you updated on my progress and the side effects I have from this intense drug cocktail.

Wish me luck!!!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother...

I saw this passage and it encapsulated much of what I feel, although I must preface it with I do not think I will be a "better" mother than anyone else out there. I know some incredible moms and I will be lucky to be half the women they are, so please do not think that I don't respect and admire the mothers you are or think that you are not amazing because you did not deal with infertility. Many women go through infertility and are still not the kind of mom I wish to be and I believe it is as much about the individual as the experiences that shape them as people and help them grow. What really spoke to me about this passage was the description of heartache and pain that I have experienced. I truly believe it has strengthened me and I believe I will appreciate every second I have with my child because I have pined for them for so long. As difficult as this jouney have been, I am grateful for the wisdom I have learned as I have endured this trial and for the friends who have stood beside me every step of the way.

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or becase I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-unknown

On to IVF...

First of all, thanks to everyone who had their fingers/toes and everything else crossed or to those who sent well wishes and prayers our way for Baby Ricci. It was greatly appreciated and I felt much more in control this time around. Unfortunately even after believing whole heartedly this was our month, we recently learned that IUI didn’t work. While it was really difficult to get that news, we are grateful to be moving on to the next step of IVF and are anxious for this treatment to hopefully bring us Baby Ricci. When I learned IUI didn’t work, I felt really beaten down and drained both emotionally and physically and was extremely angry that once again I had been given heart shattering news. Luckily these feelings only lasted a day and I am now feeling at peace with everything and very (cautiously) optimistic.

Following the knowledge that IUI didn’t work, I scheduled an IVF consultation appointment. Although I thought I knew a lot about IVF, as I read over the papers they sent me prior to my appointment that discuss the shots, the mixing of the drugs, the timing, the harvesting, the transferring of embryos, the recovery, the process of developing embryos, the choice of how many embryos to implant and everything in between, I began to feel overwhelmed. Well today we went to our IVF consultation to discuss the process, timing and all of the drugs IVF involves and luckily Mike was able to attend with me. Mike tends to keep my head in a more logical vs. emotional place and it was nice to be able to sit down with him and our Dr. and ask all of the questions that have been running through our heads since I received the bad news. I left our appointment feeling empowered and although I am scared for the daily self injected shots and the magnitude of emotions that will come with them, I am a stronger woman than I give myself credit for and I know the fear is something I can overcome. I truly feel that even though I am not physically a mother, I emotionally have been for the past 28 months and am more than willing to put myself through hell and back and do everything physically possible to bring our little miracle into this world.

So as we move into Fall where the leaves change and the crispness in the air returns, our journey is also changing and I couldn’t be more anxious and excited. I look forward to hopefully learning good news at the end of October and to the lessons I will learn and the strength I am bound to gain as we endure the most invasive treatment yet. Please continue to join us and we continue on this crazy bumpy ride.

Some Book Recommendations...

Last night during my RESOLVE group, a couple book recommendations came up to help males understand the world of infertility. They are both written by men and apparently are very funny, yet insightful. I can't wait to pick them up and read them with Mike in hopes he will develop a clearer understanding of why I have turned into a crazy baby hungry woman.

The first is "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup: A Guy's Guide to the World of Infertility" by Greg Wolfe.and the second is "What He Can Expect When She's Not Expecting: How to support your wife, save your marriage and conquer infertility!" by Marc Sedaka.If any of you readers out there have read either of these books, I would love to hear more about them!

A Change of Heart...

When I wrote my previous post, I was dealing with some emotions and hurt from some negative things I had heard about me being too open. These remarks were coming from various people whom I have a personal relationship with and I closed down. I didn’t want to be mocked or talked about behind my back so I decided it would be best if I just bit my tongue and started dealing with this on my own. After an empowering and helpful RESOLVE group last night, I realized I am the type of person who needs to share the vast emotions that come along with this incredibly difficult journey and that it is not healthy for me to keep it all in. Since my last post, I have had multiple emails from people who follow my blog and whom I have helped and I decided it is not fair to me or to any of you readers to close up due to a couple of negative comments. I am a strong woman with thick skin and I shouldn’t allow a few negative thoughts/people break my confidence and challenge my self worth. I am not angry at anyone and actually believe hearing negative things and shutting down has been positive because it allowed me to do some soul searching and realize I need to share my journey in order to get through it. It also reminded me who my true friends really are and how blessed I am to have them in my life. They are the people who get me through the heartbreaks, who hold my hand when I am down and who remind me that my feelings are warranted and that I don’t have to go through this alone.

So, I am back and I am back with good news! This month we increased my clomid dose to 100mg since I didn’t ovulate last month and while I was unfortunately hit with the “clomid crazies” pretty severely this month and poor Mike wanted to divorce me when I broke down into tears or flew into a rage on more than one occasion, it worked! I went in Monday for a day 13 ultrasound and they found a good sized follicle and said I was ready to trigger it with a HCG shot. I went home and gave myself my first shot, which was a small victory in itself, and today Mike and I went in for our second round of artificial insemination. I took an ovulation test strip before going today and it was positive so I am very optimistic that this is the month of Baby Ricci now that my septum is gone and that I actually ovulated. I won’t find out for two more weeks but I will be crossing every finger and toe I have until then and am happy I have a much needed trip to Lake Powell with good friends during the dreaded waiting period.

Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to write me very thoughtful and heartfelt comments and emails. You make me a stronger more optimistic person and remind me that no matter how we deal with the emotions that come along with infertility, we have to deal with them in the way that is best for us. The best way for me is by writing and I look forward to continuing to share my journey with anyone who wants to read it. Happy Wednesday everyone!

Hiatis...

I am feeling emotionally exhausted lately and I am having a hard time talking about my journey when it’s yielding the same results. I feel as though I am telling the same story with the same ending over and over again. I hate being a victim and feeling down about our situation, and lately I feel I don’t have anything positive to say, so I would rather not say anything. We are currently in the waiting period and I have no news to report so I have decided to go on hiatis from sharing our story so openly. I am ready to put our infertility at the back of my mind and focus on decorating my house, getting organized and putting more energy into my relationship, friendships and job. Infertility is a big burden to carry and the last few months I have let it break me and eat at my soul. I am a strong woman who has an incredible life with amazing friends and family and this despair and anguish is only temporary. We will have our baby one way or another and when they finally get here, it will not only be a miracle, but a long-awaited and appreciated blessing. So until I have some news to report, have gone through in-vitro or feel the overwhelming need to share something, I will be on hiatis from this blog. I will still be trying, but I think I need to go back into myself and allow this journey to be between me and the people who have been there through every emotion I have endured or who are enduring it themselves. I genuinely appreciate all the love and support this blog has brought me and I truly hope I have helped others out there deal with the emotions that come with infertility. I just need to step away, remind myself there is more to life than this trial and enjoy life instead of letting it pass me by. I still will be holding my Resolve group on August 16th, and you may contact me at Lauren.Ricci@fmr.com for further information about group. I am also happy to email and talk with people who are in the same situation as us and who understand my current emotions. I have just had too much negative feedback from people who read this blog but who haven't personally gone through infertility themselves that I no longer want to share intimate details with everyone. Thanks again and I wish you all the best of luck!

Another set back...

I have been hesitating to write this post because I haven’t had the energy to write about what is going on. I am finally feeling a little better so here it is…

Last Monday I went in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. On that day they were a 14, which was in line with where they should be. We scheduled another ultrasound for Wednesday, purchased the HCG shot and scheduled IUI for Friday. I was extremely excited to begin treatments and was sure this was going to be “the month”. On Wednesday I went in for what I thought would be a routine ultrasound and wasn’t even thinking anything would go wrong. Unfortunately when Dr. Hammoud measured my follicles he found that they had stopped growing. He told me that most likely the clomid didn’t work this month, which is strange because it has always worked. He also said that IUI would be a waste this month since the follicles weren’t maturing and by the time they got to the right size (if they ever did) my luteal phase would be too short and an embryo wouldn’t have had time to implant. Dr. Hammoud told me to take ovulation tests until day 21 when I would do blood work and to try “naturally” this month. I took an ovulation test every day from day 14-day 21 and they were all negative, which is what was expected based on my follicle size on day 14. On day 21 I went in for progesterone blood work, which came back at a .6 (you need to be above a 5 to show ovulation but most Dr.’s like to see it above a 10.), and confirmed I didn’t ovulate. Since there was such a minute chance that I am pregnant, Dr. Hammoud started me on provera to induce my period so we can proceed with treatments. Once that arrives I will begin an increased dose of clomid and we will hopefully be able to do IUI this month. Mike and I agreed that if IUI doesn’t work this month, we will move on to IVF, which I am really ready for. Although it’s much more invasive, it has a much higher success rate and I am ready to take all of the guess work out of it and just go for it.

So that is where I am at. This week I have felt like I was run over by a steamroller and I am gasping for air. I feel so out of control and while I have tried so hard to find the good and to learn from this journey, I am having a difficult time looking on the bright side. Something was said in my infertility group the other day that really resonated with me and made me reflect on my feelings. As much as I want a child, the real reason this journey is so hard isn’t because my baby isn’t here, it’s because I don’t know if one ever will be. If someone could insure me that Baby Ricci would be here within 2 years, 5 years or even 10 years, I would be able to deal with this a bit more because I know they someday would be. The fact of the matter is though, with each month that passes and with each treatment that doesn’t work, I am getting closer and closer to never having my own child, to never experiencing pregnancy and to not being a mother. I think that is the hardest part to deal with and lately with all the bad news I have been receiving, it’s hard to find the good in this situation and to stay positive. Infertility is tough, it’s all-consuming and it’s a very lonely journey and as the months go by, I am finding myself more alone in this all. Hopefully next week I will be a little more optimistic…

An Update...

Last Friday I went in for my post-op sonohysterogram to see how much of the septum was actually left. Dr. Hammoud, my normal Dr., was out so Dr. Johnstone performed my sono. After the test she said that there was probably about 1-1 ½ cm left and that I may need more surgery. This was like a big kick to the gut because although the surgery was painful, it was nothing in comparison to the excruciating 45 day wait I had just endured. I left the appointment broken... I honestly didn’t know if I could emotionally withstand another surgery and the painful wait that accompanies it. When you are doing all you can to bring a baby into your family and then have to stop the entire process, the days feel like months and your heart breaks a little more each day with every pregnant women you see and every baby you hear.

Since I had done my 6th round of clomid this month, I had an ultrasound yesterday to see where my follicles were so we could see when we could do IUI. Dr. Hammoud was back in the office so I asked his opinion about having more surgery and when he looked further, he said the septum was only about .5 cm longer than the entire depth of my uterus. He thinks that if they removed any more I could have a difficult time carrying a baby to term or the uterus could tear during labor so he didn’t believe I needed more surgery and that we should proceed with IUI. This was FANTASTIC news to hear and I felt a big weight lift off my heart at the thought that we could conceive baby Ricci this week. After looking at my follicles, he found that Friday would be the optimal day to do IUI so I will be giving myself a HCG shot tomorrow night and being “turkey basted” on Friday. I am cautiously optimistic, but optimistic nonetheless, and am very hopeful that the septum roadblock is taken care of and that Baby Ricci will finally be on their way.

July has always been difficult for me as my father took his own life on July 18, 2000. I am praying and pleading with my dad to give me Baby Ricci and to end my 26 months of pain and grief with the thing I want most in the world…to be a mother. Again, thank you to my incredible friends and family for not only being my shoulder to cry on, my ear to vent to but for being my backbone and holding me up when I think the only thing I can do is fall. I wouldn’t be who I am or where I am without each of you.

Tax Credit Bill for Infertility Treatments

As I was looking at http://www.resolve.org/ this morning, I found out about a pending bill called the Tax Credit Bill for Infertility Treatments. This bill would provide a tax credit for those enduring costs related to infertility treatments and the tax credit would allow families to claim 50% of all out of pocket infertility costs including IVF, diagnostic tests, lab charges, IUI’s and medication.

If mine and Mike’s infertility journey has affected you in any way, I ask you to please consider writing a letter to your senator endorsing this tax bill. Attached is the webpage for you to learn more about it, as well as a link to write a letter to your senator.

http://www.resolve.org/family-building-options/insurance_coverage/federal-laws.html

I wrote mine this morning and it took less than 5 minutes. Hopefully this bill will pass and will begin making a difference in the lives of those who suffer from infertility.

Thanks in advance!

26 Months...

Aunt Flo finally came for a visit today and I am ecstatic! It’s strange how when you aren’t trying for a baby your period is the worst thing in the world, but when your world revolves around your cycle, getting your period means answers. Now that I am finally at day 1 I am actually looking forward to tracking again and undergoing treatment. I start my Clomid on Saturday and then will go in for ultrasounds on day 12 to see when we can do another round of IUI. I have another sonohysterogram scheduled for July 7th to see if I need to undergo more surgery, but if I do need another procedure, I will wait until after this round of IUI to have it. I am cautiously optimistic about our chances post-surgery, but optimistic none the less and am desperately hoping that month 26 is our lucky month. If not it’s on to round three of IUI and then in-vitro. I just have to keep in mind we still have a lot of options and I am not giving up hope yet. Baby Ricci is going to be on their way in 2011 whether they like it or not!

Happy 4th of July weekend everyone!

Hope...

The other day as I was picking up my newly purchased Bobby from Babysteals, I realized that in my heart of hearts, I still have hope. After months of stockpiling Uddercovers, baby slings, baby blankets, hospital gowns and everything in between, last week it hit me… I still believe. I still believe I will one day see those two pink lines, that I will someday get to experience the amazement of pregnancy, the excruciating pain of labor followed by the magic of delivery and that I will have a newborn I can breastfeed. Even if my mind is starting to lose hope, my heart still believes. It still believes that Mike and I will have three beautiful children of our own; children that will have his eyes, my smile, Mike’s wit and my organizational skills. It still believes we will get to watch our children grow up and that baby Ricci will soon be on their way. I know these are dreams and desires and not necessarily what God actually has planned but the belief that we will have a child someday gets me through the day. It’s difficult to accept that my infertility is out of my hands but at least I haven’t lost my hope and today that is all that matters.

Latest Shopping Spree...

Babysteals is going to make me go broke! They have the CUTEST stuff and I can't pass up a good deal. At least Mike is OK with my shopping because he loves a good deal too and he knows that the shopping sprees keep me sane.

I am OBSESSED with these blankets. They are super soft and I wish they made an adult version. I had to buy the green since we don't know the gender and the pink in case we have a little girl. ADORBS!My favorite baby shower gift is the Boppy. I know I am definitely going to need one so when I saw them come up on babysteals for $27.00, I had to buy one. They still have some in the archives if you are in need of one!Now this may be my silliest/vainest purchases but I bought my own hospital gown. I quickly realized how much I hated the gowns they give you in the hospital during my surgery so when these popped up, I had to splurge. This is much more comfortable and stylish than the huge ugly blue and white ones and they have lots of different colors and sizes in the babysteals archives. Can't wait until I can actually use all of this stuff! For now it will keep filling up my baby room closet. :)

I Would Die For That...

I wanted to share this song that my cute friend Rachel sent me called "I Would Die For That" by Kellie Coffey. Hope you enjoy and I hope it speaks to your soul. I know it did mine.

Physically fine, emotionally, not so much…

I went in for my surgery last week and am doing pretty well, at least physically. I learned the procedure is called a hysteroscopy with a septum takedown, so I can finally tell people that instead of saying I have a uterine abnormality they had to remove. Oddly enough, I have found people don’t really want to hear about my uterus having problems :) They ended up being able to use conscious sedation instead of general anesthesia, so the recovery was a lot easier than expected and I didn’t have the dreaded anesthesia hangover. Mike was a little disappointed that I was pretty coherent when I came to, as I had told him lots of stories about my last time being under general. He was a good nurse and packed me a bag with my favorite blanket, a pillow, some comfy clothes and a bag of puff cheetoes (my favorite). He also made sure to update my family and friends that everything went well and that I had everything I needed, including a café Rio salad when I got home.

Even though the surgery went relatively well, when my Dr. began to remove the septum, he found that it was actually closer to 2 cm, which was double the size he expected. There were also a lot of blood vessels within it, so every time he cut, it would obscure the camera. This caused some problems for his visibility and while he is pretty confident he was able to remove the entire septum, I have to go back in 45 days for another sonohysterogram just to make sure. Following surgery I was put on estrogen twice a day for 20 days and will start an additional pill in a few weeks (although I forget what it is since I was still a bit woozy from the sedatives when he told me). The surgery and estrogen have induced a “faux” period so even though my dr. didn’t advise us to prevent, he said it would be very difficult to get pregnant this month since I am healing. We plan to do another round of clomid and IUI in July and are hoping this surgery was the answer. If IUI doesn’t work in July, we will try it one more time in August and then we will move on to in-vitro in September/October.

While I am physically doing well following the surgery, I am not doing well emotionally. It could be all the hormones I am on, but my heart is heavy and I am feeling extremely empty. We were out the other night celebrating the opening of a friend’s new bar and as I sat there, all I could think is how much I would rather be home bathing a child and putting them to bed. I feel stuck and like I can’t move forward. I have been nesting for two years, buying things for a baby that isn’t even on the horizon, trying to change life so we can easily adjust to having a baby, and now I am just waiting. Waiting for something that might never come and I don’t know how to move forward without going back. I try to keep myself busy with work and everything else but the reality is, I just want to sit home on my couch sulking and eating ice cream and cookie dough. This is definitely not a healthy reaction and I want to break through the haze of grief this infertility has created for me, but when the fog settles in, it’s hard to look past to the other side. I am sure this will pass and I think a major factor in my sadness this past month is because now that the surgery is over and we are just waiting, I don’t have any treatments to put my energy or thoughts into. Mike has also been working a lot more so I am alone with myself and my thoughts more often. While I should be thankful I was able to have this surgery done and that it may be an answer to our prayers, there is still so much unknown and there is no guarantee that this is the solution. It has been difficult to hand my emotions and our future over to Dr.’s and a 31 day cycle and be unable to do anything but wait. If this journey has taught me anything it is to try and be patient, but my patience is really wearing thin this month. I am looking forward to my infertility support group tomorrow to gain some clarity and vent about the emotions I haven’t been able to put words to and I am very thankful to be connected to so many women who know exactly how I am feeling month in and month out.

Here’s to hoping things begin to look up soon and that no more surgery is in my future.

RESOLVE...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine and I went to the SLC RESOLVE group. It was a very good experience and it was nice to be around others who are dealing with the vast array of emotions that come with infertility. It was also nice to be able to ask questions, get insight and advice from others and talk about conditions and treatments I have never heard of. Utah actually has a high number of women who struggle with infertility, but it’s rarely talked about due to the emphasis Utah and the LDS church put on family and children. It’s difficult to be in a society where children are so prevalent and to always be asked “when are you going to have a baby?” or be told almost daily about people who are expecting. I am a huge advocate of support groups, whether for infertility, death, addictions, etc., and really believe that it is the best way to deal with the emotions that come along with this devastating and oftentimes difficult journey.

Following our first meeting the woman who started the group announced she would no longer continue being the group leader since in-vitro finally worked for her and she is pregnant with triplets! She also stated that to have a beneficial peer support group, RESOLVE suggests you should split the group after there are 8 members who come consistently. Due to my work at The Sharing Place and this blog, I decided to take on the task of leading the second RESOLVE group and I couldn’t be more excited!

This new group will begin on July 19th and we will meet the third Tuesday of the month from 6:30 pm until 8:00 pm. Stephanie was incredibly generous and is going to allow us to use one of the rooms at The Sharing Place to hold meetings. The location of The Sharing Place is 1695 East 3300 South and there is plenty of free parking both in the lots and on the street. If you or anyone you know is interested in attending, please feel free to email me at Lauren.Ricci@fmr.com with your contact info, how you heard about group and where you are in your infertility journey and I will be happy to give you all of the information.

I am looking forward to this new challenge and the opportunity to connect with some other women who are currently enduring the pain that is infertility.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! I will update about my surgery sometime next week. Wish me luck!

A Heavy Heart...

I was finally able to schedule my surgery and will be going under the knife on Tuesday the 31st. I am excited (is it weird to be excited about surgery?) but I also have a heavy heart. I know three months doesn’t seem like a long time in the whole grand scheme of things, but to me it feels like an eternity. I watch all of my pregnant friend’s bellies grow and think of the miracle they are currently experiencing and the joy their little ones will soon bring to their life, and I can’t help but be a bit envious. It is a big pill to swallow knowing that we won’t even be able to see if the surgery is a success for 2 months and even then, I will probably still need to undergo a bunch of procedures to get this baby here. As much as I want to believe this surgery is the answer, I truly believe it is just a small step in our infertility journey and I still have a long way to go. I know in my heart of hearts that we will have a baby Ricci, but the emotions that have come with having to stop trying to fulfill our deepest desires has been heart wrenching. Today it hurts, today I am sad, today I don’t have much hope and it’s been especially difficult having Mike be gone all week and having no one to share my burden with. This will soon pass as it always does but today I am going to allow myself to feel the pain. I think after two years, I deserve it.

Surgery it is...

Yesterday I went in for my sonohysterogram. My mom was kind enough to come with me, although I think she was more nervous than I was. I guess she never would have asked her mom, or anyone for that matter to come with her to something like that. I guess I am more a chicken than she is.

Anyway, the sonohysterogram wasn’t nearly as bad as the HSG, but was still pretty crampy and painful. My Dr. was very aware of the pain associated with it though and kept the communication open so he could stop anytime it was too much. Following the test he concluded I do indeed have a 1 cm septum that could be causing early miscarriages. A normal uterus measures about 4 cm so my septum is currently occupying ¼ of it and because it is an abnormality, it doesn’t have the correct cardiovascular system needed to support a pregnancy if an embryo implants in it.

With this conclusion, my Dr. decided it would be in my best interest to remove it before proceeding with more IUI’s and In-Vitro. The surgery itself seems pretty simple but I will need to go under general anesthesia and take a few days off of work to rest and heal. The Dr. has also told me to quit taking my clomid and has put me on a birth control pill in order to thicken the uterine lining. After the surgery, Mike and I will need to put our “trying” on hold for 1-2 months in order for me to heal completely. During this time, I will be on a steroid to help the uterine wall heal and make it strong enough to carry a baby to term.

This decision is bitter-sweet because it does prolong our fertility journey at least 3 more months, but I know it’s the right decision for us. I am happy there is finally something “wrong” and something we can do now and truly hope this is our answer. I am waiting for the schedulers to call me but I am guessing the surgery will be next Thursday or Friday or the following week. After I get the Dr.’s OK after following surgery, Mike and I will continue with IUI and move onto In-Vitro in probably October or November. While 6 months seems so far away, I am looking forward to taking a bit of a break to be selfish, focus on Mike and I, plan another trip to San Fran and enjoy the spring/summer weather (if it ever gets here!).

Thanks for all of your sweet offers of foods, visits and help during this time. It’s amazing how talking about this and having all or your support helps to lighten my burden and makes this disheartening and painful journey somewhat bearable. Someday I know I will look back on this and take all of this as a blessing and be reminded of the amazing people who were there for me during this difficult time.

Another Hurdle...

Do you remember this post… Some Answers. Well as a reminder, these are my HSG results in which they found I have a uterine abnormality and is relevant to the following post.

Friday I went in for my day three ultrasound and blood work in order to check my eggs and ovaries. The Dr. said everything looked great but wanted to talk to me more about my uterine abnormality. After reviewing my HSG report, he found that I most likely have a uterine septum rather than an arcuate uterus. A septum is a congenital malformation where the uterine cavity is divided by tissue, which makes for an unfavorable environment for an embryo to implant. While a septum doesn’t necessarily cause infertility, it carries a high risk of miscarriages, preterm labor and pregnancy complications because a baby is not able to move around as it would in a normal shaped uterus. If a baby is able to make it full term, a c-section is usually necessary because they are usually breeched.

Knowing this new information, my Dr. up at the U has suggested I undergo a sonohysterogram, which is very similar to a HSG, only instead of dye, they use saline. During this procedure my Dr. will measure how long the septum is and evaluate whether or not I should undergo surgery to correct it, although he is pretty positive I will need to. While a septum isn’t causing my infertility, we are pretty sure I have had a few early miscarriages due to some high progesterone readings and the Dr. doesn’t want me to undergo more IUI’s and IVF to only end up miscarrying.

I have my procedure tomorrow and if the results come back pro surgery, I hope to have that scheduled in the next few weeks. I was in such shock on Friday at the words “you may need surgery” that I forgot to ask all the important questions such as how long is the surgery, what is the recovery time following the surgery, what does the surgery entail and when can we begin trying again? I will post the results and answers to these questions as soon as they come back. While I am scared to undergo surgery, I am hopeful that this could be our answer and to me, it’s worth trying.

Just another hurdle in getting Baby Ricci here...

Officially Two Years and Counting...

It looks like we are onto month 24, or officially 2 years in this infertility struggle. I learned on Tuesday that our first attempt at IUI did not work even though both Dr. Terry and my nurse Cindy were very optimistic about my egg size and Mike’s sample. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially because I truly thought in my heart of hearts and deep in my soul that this was going to be the month. It was probably the hope and anticipation of results from doing something new that really had me believing it was finally our time instead of actual symtoms.

In the midst of waiting for these results, we finally had our appointment up at the University of Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine, which was a good thing. They validated that we were on the right track and everything we were doing was necessary. The Dr. we met with up there thought we should try IUI two more times and then begin in-vitro come July/August. I go in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound tomorrow to check my eggs, start another round of clomid Sunday and then we will begin the next round of IUI on May 23rd. I am trying to stay hopeful but I think I know deep down that the only way Baby Ricci is truly going to get here is going to either be through in-vitro or surrogacy. It’s strange, I have always known in my bones that I would have fertility problems but I never thought this is how I would become a mother. It’s a surreal reality to know that I will not ever be able to have children naturally and a feeling I can't put into words. I am feeling a little better about the situation though because at least we now are undergoing more serious infertility measures but I am truly counting down the days until we can begin the process of in-vitro, even though I completely petrified of giving myself shots and the whole harvesting of eggs thing. Even though I am scared, I am ready to do whatever it takes to get Baby Ricci here.

On a positive note, I did find two silver linings in this last cycle of IUI not working. First, I will now be able to attend my brother-in-law’s wedding in Trinidad & Tobago. The wedding is taking place in January and if this cycle had worked, I would have been due at that exact time. Since I am not pregnant though, off to Tobago we go! Second, we are getting into the due date months I really want for our child. I really didn’t want a November, December, January baby when we first started trying due to RSV and the whole holiday season birthday thing so now if I conceive anytime in the next 7 months, Baby Ricci will come from February to September, which I think is absolutely perfect! You have to take the small victories in this whole infertility journey.

Hoping all of you undergoing your treatments this month get better results than I did and that 2011 is the year for all of us!

Happy Mother's Day!

I received this text from one of my dear friends yesterday and it was just what I needed to hear.

"I don't know many people who could already love so blindly, and I truly admire the love you have for Baby ricci. You are and will be an amazing mother, so today I wish you a Happy Mother's Day, for a baby that may not yet be in your arms, but is already in your heart."

I am lucky to have some amazing friends and a wonderful family to be there with me throughout this difficult journey and while mother's day is not the easiest day of the year for me, it's still a day about celebrating the incredible mamas, mama's to be and all of us someday mamas who are lucky enough to have great examples to follow and emulate. I hope whether you are a mother or want to become one that you were able to have a fabulous day and that next year you will be celebrating with your little miracle.

Another baby purchase!

I really do love babysteals.com! Normally $50.00, purchased for $25.00!

I am kind of in love. Baby Ricci needs to get here soon so we can use all of this adorable stuff!!!