I have been hesitating to write this post because I haven’t had the energy to write about what is going on. I am finally feeling a little better so here it is…
Last Monday I went in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. On that day they were a 14, which was in line with where they should be. We scheduled another ultrasound for Wednesday, purchased the HCG shot and scheduled IUI for Friday. I was extremely excited to begin treatments and was sure this was going to be “the month”. On Wednesday I went in for what I thought would be a routine ultrasound and wasn’t even thinking anything would go wrong. Unfortunately when Dr. Hammoud measured my follicles he found that they had stopped growing. He told me that most likely the clomid didn’t work this month, which is strange because it has always worked. He also said that IUI would be a waste this month since the follicles weren’t maturing and by the time they got to the right size (if they ever did) my luteal phase would be too short and an embryo wouldn’t have had time to implant. Dr. Hammoud told me to take ovulation tests until day 21 when I would do blood work and to try “naturally” this month. I took an ovulation test every day from day 14-day 21 and they were all negative, which is what was expected based on my follicle size on day 14. On day 21 I went in for progesterone blood work, which came back at a .6 (you need to be above a 5 to show ovulation but most Dr.’s like to see it above a 10.), and confirmed I didn’t ovulate. Since there was such a minute chance that I am pregnant, Dr. Hammoud started me on provera to induce my period so we can proceed with treatments. Once that arrives I will begin an increased dose of clomid and we will hopefully be able to do IUI this month. Mike and I agreed that if IUI doesn’t work this month, we will move on to IVF, which I am really ready for. Although it’s much more invasive, it has a much higher success rate and I am ready to take all of the guess work out of it and just go for it.
Last Monday I went in for an ultrasound to measure my follicles. On that day they were a 14, which was in line with where they should be. We scheduled another ultrasound for Wednesday, purchased the HCG shot and scheduled IUI for Friday. I was extremely excited to begin treatments and was sure this was going to be “the month”. On Wednesday I went in for what I thought would be a routine ultrasound and wasn’t even thinking anything would go wrong. Unfortunately when Dr. Hammoud measured my follicles he found that they had stopped growing. He told me that most likely the clomid didn’t work this month, which is strange because it has always worked. He also said that IUI would be a waste this month since the follicles weren’t maturing and by the time they got to the right size (if they ever did) my luteal phase would be too short and an embryo wouldn’t have had time to implant. Dr. Hammoud told me to take ovulation tests until day 21 when I would do blood work and to try “naturally” this month. I took an ovulation test every day from day 14-day 21 and they were all negative, which is what was expected based on my follicle size on day 14. On day 21 I went in for progesterone blood work, which came back at a .6 (you need to be above a 5 to show ovulation but most Dr.’s like to see it above a 10.), and confirmed I didn’t ovulate. Since there was such a minute chance that I am pregnant, Dr. Hammoud started me on provera to induce my period so we can proceed with treatments. Once that arrives I will begin an increased dose of clomid and we will hopefully be able to do IUI this month. Mike and I agreed that if IUI doesn’t work this month, we will move on to IVF, which I am really ready for. Although it’s much more invasive, it has a much higher success rate and I am ready to take all of the guess work out of it and just go for it.
So that is where I am at. This week I have felt like I was run over by a steamroller and I am gasping for air. I feel so out of control and while I have tried so hard to find the good and to learn from this journey, I am having a difficult time looking on the bright side. Something was said in my infertility group the other day that really resonated with me and made me reflect on my feelings. As much as I want a child, the real reason this journey is so hard isn’t because my baby isn’t here, it’s because I don’t know if one ever will be. If someone could insure me that Baby Ricci would be here within 2 years, 5 years or even 10 years, I would be able to deal with this a bit more because I know they someday would be. The fact of the matter is though, with each month that passes and with each treatment that doesn’t work, I am getting closer and closer to never having my own child, to never experiencing pregnancy and to not being a mother. I think that is the hardest part to deal with and lately with all the bad news I have been receiving, it’s hard to find the good in this situation and to stay positive. Infertility is tough, it’s all-consuming and it’s a very lonely journey and as the months go by, I am finding myself more alone in this all. Hopefully next week I will be a little more optimistic…
