Some Answers...

Last Friday I went in for my Hysterosalpingogram or more easily described as the dreaded HSG test. This test is performed by inserting a catheter type tube into your uterus and injecting contrast (dye) into your uterus and fallopian tubes to check for blockages and any other abnormalities using X-Rays. While all the medical personnel I spoke with said it wasn’t painful and that it feels like a normal pelvic exam, this was FAR from the truth. It was incredibly painful, scary and it is nothing I ever want to do again. The cramping itself only lasted about 15 minutes while the procedure was being done, but it was the worst cramps I have ever experienced.

I am really lucky to have Annie as my friend and support. She came with me to the procedure, since Mike had to work, and it was so wonderful to have her there and hold my hand. Mike and I even talked about how it was better she was there than him because she was such an amazing support. She is a big part of the reason I was able to get through the pain, asked questions I never would have thought to ask, and remembered everything I couldn’t focus on after the test. The PA allowed me to look at the X-Rays right away and was initially concerned that I may have a bicornuate uterus (heart-shaped), which is a uterine malformation where two “horns” form at the upper part of the uterus.

Picture of a "normal" uterus

Picture of Mine

Notice the Heart Shape

This is concerning because it can cause miscarriages, pre-term birth and most babies born from one are breech and require a cesarean. There is also only a 60% chance of delivering a live baby due to the high-risk of the pregnancy. This scared me because I was worried I was doing Clomid and my body wasn’t allowing an egg to implant and I was either going to have to skip straight to In-Vitro or was going to be told I couldn’t conceive. Annie helped me sort through my emotions after learning I could have a bicornuate uterus and helped me stay calm after hearing those results. Having her in my life has been huge in maintaining a positive attitude and getting through all of these setbacks and I don’t know how I became so blessed to call her my friend. She truly is incredible!

While I knew something was wrong with my uterine cavity, I didn’t want to freak out too much until I talked to Dr. Terry. I wasn’t positive it was bicornuate and I didn’t want to stress myself more than necessary during our “trying” time. The results weren’t ready for 48 hours and Dr. Terry was out until yesterday, so I tried to keep as much of a positive attitude as possible until he could go over the results.

I finally talked to his nurse last night and she diagnosed me with an arcuate uterus, which is still an abnormality, but not as severe. It can still cause miscarriages, contribute to infertility and cause pre-term labor, but the risks aren’t as high. Dr. Terry was confident I could still get pregnant and this wouldn’t factor into my fertility too much. He wants me to do one more round of Clomid and if I am not pregnant after Mexico, we will begin Artificial Insemination and Follicle testing.

While these aren’t the best results, they could be much worse and I am glad me and Dr. Terry are on the same page about the next steps in my fertility journey. I look forward to enjoying our time in Mexico and hopefully coming home with a Baby Ricci. If not, I am glad there is a new option in our near future. Now onto another few weeks of waiting and another month of being a pincushion!

Onto Round Three...

After another unsuccessful round of Clomid, we are onto round three and month 22. I have asked my Dr. to increase my dose to 100 mg, due to no change in my ovulatory predictor kits and the length of my cycle still being from 31-35 days. Not sure if this increased dose will change my side effects but we are ready for whatever the new month will bring, hormones, hot flashes, craziness and all!

I am going to see a fertility acupuncturist tonight and will begin my third round of Clomid on Sunday. I am also hoping to get in to see an endocrinologist in the next month and have a Hysterosalpingogramam, a procedure where they shoot dye into the fallopian tubes to determine if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. I am unsure why all the Dr.’s I have seen have yet to do this test but in talking with a few of my friends who also struggled with getting pregnant, this was one of the first tests they had done. We are optimistic that all of this combined will bring us a baby Ricci, and if not, maybe a few more answers. Here’s to yet another month of trial and error and a lot of hope. I may just need some extra TLC, some comfort food and a massage to get through it. Good thing it's birthday month!

resolve...

Today I was over it and at the end of my rope. My emotions were choking me and I needed to do something otherwise I was going to lose it. I came home from a long day at work to my loving husband and while he made me dinner, I googled infertility support groups. As if my prayers had been answered, I learned that the National Infertility Association resolve is opening a chapter in Utah and are also starting a peer-led support group. I am all about support groups considering that is what Sharing Place is and I feel so relieved to have a place of my own I can go and talk about my deepest and most raw emotions and have people actually get it and not judge how I am feeling. Groups are offered the second Wednesday of the month at the downtown library for free and I can't wait until the first one.

After learning about RESOLVE, something I had never heard of before, I decided to take some time to read their website. There is a TON of awesome and enlightening information on there and it's as if someone stole my emotions straight from my soul and put the words to them they so desperately needed. I am sure http://www.resolve.org/ is going to be my new favorite website and I am excited to read all the information they have on there. The article that really caught my attention was this one... Infertility Etiquette. Here is the opening paragraph that brought me to tears because it's so painfully accurate.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

You can read the rest of the article HERE. It discusses the pain an infertile couple feels and things to say and not to say. I really appreciated the article's references to grief after a death vs. grief during infertility because I have really struggled with the differences between the two. While they may not be the same, they are both valid and it's completely appropriate and probably necessary to grieve the void infertility creates.

This is exactly what I needed tonight and I look forward to learning more and becoming a part of a support group. I am also visiting a fertility acupuncturist this week so I will let you know how that goes. I guess just a few more steps in our journey :)