Officially Inseminated...

Last week I began the process of Intrauterine Insemination or IUI coupled with my follicular study. I went in on Thursday for an ultrasound in order to measure the size of my eggs and they were a healthy 17 mm, just where they needed to be on day 9. My nurse Cindy was really happy with my progress and scheduled me another ultrasound for Tuesday (day 14) to make sure my eggs were still growing properly and were about 20 mm. I went in yesterday and I had two that were measuring 26 mm, which Cindy was really pleased with. She administered my HCG shot, which helps to release the eggs, and told me to come back in the morning with a sample from Mike in order to do the IUI.

Mike and I went in this morning and I was officially inseminated. The process is similar to an annual exam, but definitely more painful because they need to position the speculum just right in order to insert the catheter into me and inject me full of Mike’s “baby batter” as he lovingly calls it. I then had to lay there for 15 minutes and was told by Dr. Terry to think good baby thoughts. I normally don’t make Mike come to these things with me because he has such a busy schedule but I thought it may be weird if today we conceived a child and he wasn’t even there, and it was nice to have his support. Dr. Terry and Cindy made us feel really comfortable and they both are really hoping this will be the month, as are we and lots of other great friends and family. My fingers, toes and everything else are crossed and I can’t wait until May 11th when we get to know the results. Thanks for all the well-wishes, good vibes, thoughts, prayers, wishes and everything else you have all been sending us. Really hoping this will be our month and we will have good news to share sooner than later!

2 Years and Counting...

Time for a new approach!

As I wrote in my previous post, I will be visiting the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine next week, but since my cycle started, Mike and I have decided not to waste this one. Dr. Terry has been very informative and he and his nurse are great and can do everything in office with the exception of in-vitro, so we have decided to undergo a follicle study coupled with IUI this month in his office. What this means is that on Thursday I will go in for an ultrasound where they will measure my follicles and then I will go in almost every day for another ultrasound until they reach the desired range of 19-20 mm. Once that occurs they will give me a shot of HCG to release my egg and the next day Mike and I will go in for artificial insemination. I haven’t heard a lot of great things about IUI but since the U can’t see me until I am past my ovulation date, I decided to give it a try. I would rather do something more than just another round of clomid. I am really excited to be moving forward in our fertility journey and I am crossing my fingers, toes and everyone else’s that this will work and baby Ricci will FINALLY be on their way. Either way I am keeping my options open, am still undergoing acupuncture and look forward to the advice the U gives to us and I hope to have a better feel for what the next year will bring. Who thought so many people would be involved in getting baby Ricci here though?!? Definitely not me but I will take all the help I can get. :)

Ever-Changing...

If there is one thing I have learned about infertility it is that it's an ever-changing journey. There are days when I am an emotional mess and don’t want to do anything but eat cookie dough and lay on the couch reveling in the drama of stupid shows. There are days when I don’t even think about it and I am happy Mike and I have the freedom to lie around all day, go to dinner at will and do whatever we feel like doing that day. There are days when I want to punch every pregnant woman I see or scream at all the people I find out are pregnant (no offense to all my cute pregnant friends, it’s just the anger talking) and then there are days when I am just at peace with what is going on and I know stubborn baby Ricci will get here when they are ready. It is a never-ending roller coaster and there are a vast amount of emotions that go along with this entire process. It’s strange to feel happy, sad, angry, hurt, hopeless and jealous all at the same time, but I have learned that all of the emotions I feel are completely valid and I am ok expressing them.

I tend to write on my blog when I am down and when I have emotions I don’t know how to express except by writing them, but that is not my entire journey. I have more good days then bad and I try to get as much out of life without kids as possible. This journey is a part of me, but it is not all of me. I am so many other things including a wife, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, an EX wife, a sister, a HOA president, an intake specialist, an in-law, a volunteer, a fundraiser, a blogger, a griever, a traveler, a listener, an advice giver and most importantly, a lover. While it may seem that my life revolves around my 32 day cycle, my days are so much fuller than that. I really hope I have never come across as the bitter girl who can’t get pregnant or the downer because of my current situation, because I have really tried to stay positive during this. Sure there are days when those hormonal emotions get a hold of me and it’s hard to see clearly, but for the most part I have accepted this journey and am doing all I can to prevail under difficult circumstances. One day I will understand why I have had to endure this hardship and will be thankful Mike and I went through it together because it has taught us some incredibly important lessons such as humility and patience. I also know in my heart of hearts that Baby Ricci will get here someday and they will be incredibly loved thanks to their stubbornness. We just have to wait until they are ready to come but I sure wish they were ready now!

Hope ya’ll have a great Monday! (saying ya’ll makes me excited to celebrate Easter in New Orleans with two of my best friends and mah Be!)

A Good Quote...

"It is a strange feeling to be genuinely happy for someone else, while being so hurt for yourself at the same time."

A friend of mine who is also enduring fertility problems said this to me today and I felt it was so profound, I had to share. Infertility can confuse your feelings and make you feel as though you are an envious bad friend because you are happy and devastated all at the same time. This is completely untrue and while the emotions can be conflicting, they are perfectly natural and acceptable for someone dealing with infertility. I just thought her statement put words to the emotions I have been unable to explain. I hope they help any of you dealing with infertility too.

Long time no update...

This past month has been unusually hard and I have wanted nothing more than to not think about babies, pregnancy and just try and enjoy life. As much as I desire that, my mind has other plans and I seem to be thinking about babies and pregnancy 24-7 (including in my dreams). We went to Mexico and were able to enjoy 8 days of just being us while enjoying lots of eating, sleeping, reading and relaxing, which was amazing and just what we needed. Unfortunately the second I got back I learned of 8 new pregnancies and I just lost it. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong in life or what the qualifications for becoming a mother are, but I obviously don’t fit the bill. It’s been so frustrating and I am infuriated at God at the moment. I seriously cannot comprehend how meth heads, 16 year olds and people fresh out of rehab can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and people who can provide a wonderful loving home, have their heads on straight and want a baby more than anything can’t get pregnant with all the intervention in the world. You eventually begin to lose faith in the process, in yourself and in God. I am at this point right now and I don’t really know what else to do. I have been a hormonal wreck the past few days and I am emotionally drained. Poor Mike has been as supportive as he can but I am inconsolable and incredibly angry and he is bearing the brunt of that. Infertility truly is the most difficult experience I have ever endured and I don’t know how much more I can go through without breaking.

I have decided that while Dr. Terry is an amazing OBGYN, it’s time for me to go up to a fertility specialist and talk about IUI and invitro. I just finished my 4th round of clomid with again no luck, and I am ready to move on to other options. Dr. Terry believes the clomid is working because my progesterone has been above 30 the past two times, but it still isn’t resulting in becoming pregnant. I have scheduled an appointment with the University of Utah fertility clinic in a few weeks and I am looking forward to seeing what their recommendations are and if they can give me any more information as to why I am not conceiving. I believe the next option will be a follicle study and IUI based on Dr. Terry’s recommendation, but as I have been researching IUI, I have found that the success rate only appears to be 5-20% and is used more in male infertility. Do any of you readers out there know much about IUI or have had success with it? I just wonder if IUI is going to prolong our process and we should be jumping to invitro instead of wasting time with IUI? There are so many unknowns in this stupid process and I really don’t know how much more heartache I can take!

Also, I have been really busy with both my jobs and haven’t had a chance to attend the RESOLVE support group I have been dying to go to. I have decided to make this a priority and am going to try my hardest to go to my first group tomorrow night. I really think I need to talk about my feelings, ask questions, gain a physical support group and have a place to cry. Cross your fingers for me that I can make it and that it’s beneficial for both Mike and I. Finally, thank you again for all of your support and for reading this blog. I sometimes feel so alone in this process and I am so glad to hear all of your stories and own personal experiences. It really does make this all a bit easier.

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”