I went in for my surgery last week and am doing pretty well, at least physically. I learned the procedure is called a hysteroscopy with a septum takedown, so I can finally tell people that instead of saying I have a uterine abnormality they had to remove. Oddly enough, I have found people don’t really want to hear about my uterus having problems :) They ended up being able to use conscious sedation instead of general anesthesia, so the recovery was a lot easier than expected and I didn’t have the dreaded anesthesia hangover. Mike was a little disappointed that I was pretty coherent when I came to, as I had told him lots of stories about my last time being under general. He was a good nurse and packed me a bag with my favorite blanket, a pillow, some comfy clothes and a bag of puff cheetoes (my favorite). He also made sure to update my family and friends that everything went well and that I had everything I needed, including a café Rio salad when I got home.
Even though the surgery went relatively well, when my Dr. began to remove the septum, he found that it was actually closer to 2 cm, which was double the size he expected. There were also a lot of blood vessels within it, so every time he cut, it would obscure the camera. This caused some problems for his visibility and while he is pretty confident he was able to remove the entire septum, I have to go back in 45 days for another sonohysterogram just to make sure. Following surgery I was put on estrogen twice a day for 20 days and will start an additional pill in a few weeks (although I forget what it is since I was still a bit woozy from the sedatives when he told me). The surgery and estrogen have induced a “faux” period so even though my dr. didn’t advise us to prevent, he said it would be very difficult to get pregnant this month since I am healing. We plan to do another round of clomid and IUI in July and are hoping this surgery was the answer. If IUI doesn’t work in July, we will try it one more time in August and then we will move on to in-vitro in September/October.
While I am physically doing well following the surgery, I am not doing well emotionally. It could be all the hormones I am on, but my heart is heavy and I am feeling extremely empty. We were out the other night celebrating the opening of a friend’s new bar and as I sat there, all I could think is how much I would rather be home bathing a child and putting them to bed. I feel stuck and like I can’t move forward. I have been nesting for two years, buying things for a baby that isn’t even on the horizon, trying to change life so we can easily adjust to having a baby, and now I am just waiting. Waiting for something that might never come and I don’t know how to move forward without going back. I try to keep myself busy with work and everything else but the reality is, I just want to sit home on my couch sulking and eating ice cream and cookie dough. This is definitely not a healthy reaction and I want to break through the haze of grief this infertility has created for me, but when the fog settles in, it’s hard to look past to the other side. I am sure this will pass and I think a major factor in my sadness this past month is because now that the surgery is over and we are just waiting, I don’t have any treatments to put my energy or thoughts into. Mike has also been working a lot more so I am alone with myself and my thoughts more often. While I should be thankful I was able to have this surgery done and that it may be an answer to our prayers, there is still so much unknown and there is no guarantee that this is the solution. It has been difficult to hand my emotions and our future over to Dr.’s and a 31 day cycle and be unable to do anything but wait. If this journey has taught me anything it is to try and be patient, but my patience is really wearing thin this month. I am looking forward to my infertility support group tomorrow to gain some clarity and vent about the emotions I haven’t been able to put words to and I am very thankful to be connected to so many women who know exactly how I am feeling month in and month out.
Here’s to hoping things begin to look up soon and that no more surgery is in my future.
My favorite baby shower gift is the Boppy. I know I am definitely going to need one so when I saw them come up on babysteals for $27.00, I had to buy one. They still have some in the archives if you are in need of one!
Now this may be my silliest/vainest purchases but I bought my own hospital gown. I quickly realized how much I hated the gowns they give you in the hospital during my surgery so when these popped up, I had to splurge. This is much more comfortable and stylish than the huge ugly blue and white ones and they have lots of different colors and sizes in the babysteals archives.