One week down, 4 more to go...

I have finished one week of shots and am finally off birth control. The first few days of shots were scary and it literally took 10 minutes to get up the courage to stick myself but after 3 days, it came much more easily. I haven’t really had many side effects from the Lupron except that I am feeling much more needy and lethargic and feel like I have put on some weight or am really bloated. I have gotten some pretty awesome bruises thanks to the shots and pretty soon I am sure it’s going to look as though Mike beats me. I also got my first IVF injury this weekend while we were in Denver. I had to bring my shots with me but I didn’t want to bring my sharps container because it’s so big. Usually I don’t worry too much about capping the syringes since they go straight into the sharps container but since I didn’t have one with me, I was being pretty careful putting the cap back on so I could bring the used syringes home with me . As I put the cap on, the needle bent and went out the side of the cap and pricked my finger. I think it hurt worst then any shot I have given myself!

Overall giving shots isn’t too bad but because I am so busy, I have had to plan a lot more since you are supposed to take the shots at the same time of day (9:30 pm for me). This weekend while we were in Denver we went to Oktoberfest and because we were planning to be there late, I brought my syringe with me. I am sure it looked rather strange when I pulled out my alcohol swab and syringe and stuck myself in the midst of the celebration (there really wasn’t a good place to do it and the port-o-potties were not going to cut it), but you gotta do what you gotta do. I will have to do the same thing this weekend at the Utah game so I better get used to it. At least these shots are easy and more discreet; I am not sure what I am going to do when I get up to three shots that Mike is supposed to administer.

I go in tomorrow for an ultrasound to see where my eggs are at and hopefully will be able to schedule my harvest date. For now though, here is a funny picture from the weekend… The Lupron is supposed to be kept in the dark so we decided to wrap it up in tin foil for our flight to Denver. Doesn’t it look like I am a heroin addict? Makes me laugh. Happy Monday everyone!

Welcome to IVF...

This additional box of goodies arrived on my doorstep yesterday. I thought the first box was overwhelming but this one definitely takes the cake.

It came with 5 additional drugs, mixing instructions and these syringes…

These needles will be used the duration of my IVF cycle starting next week and they definitely freak me out more than the small needles I have been using do. I swear once I get through IVF, I will be able to do anything! Thanks for all the support and good thoughts. I feel like I have been more whiney and needy lately so I appreciate you all putting up with me.

On a funny note (and something I didn’t know before all this), Mike had to go in on Monday for a hamster penetration test. Apparently when you do IVF up at the U, they have the sperm donor (in my case Mike) give a sample and pair the sperm with a hamster egg to see if it will be able to penetrate the egg naturally in order to fertilize it. If it is able to penetrate the egg then when you undergo IVF, they will pair the sperm and allow it to fertilize itself but if it is unable to penetrate the hamster egg then when you undergo IVF, they do what is called Ixy where they manually inject the sperm into the egg in order to fertilize it. I think it’s incredible what modern medicine can do but it made me laugh and all weekend Mike was telling his friends he had to impregnate a hamster and he wondered if they would let him get to know the hamster before trying to have its baby. You have to find some humor in this entire process I guess. Apparently I am feeling better today, even with my new array of meds.

An "it's not fair" kind of day...

Today as I looked down at all my syringes and dealt with the feelings of nausea and cramping due to my Lupron, I began to have a “this isn’t fair” kind of day. While I should be counting my blessings that I have a husband who is not only involved, but is compassionate, caring and willing to do all he needs to bring baby Ricci here, that I have amazing insurance that is not only paying for everything, but is navigating all of the hoops and hurdles for me and that I have some incredible girlfriends who want a child for us as much as we do, today isn’t one of those days. It’s not fair that I have to endure all the signs of pregnancy without any of the benefit, that this process is so much more involved than I could have ever imagined, that I have to answer “not yet” when asked if we have children, that I have to pine over baby clothes and nursery designs for a child I may never have, that I have to hear people bitch and complain about their pregnancy I so deperately wish for and that our sex life and my inability to conceive a child has been opened up not only to Dr.’s and nurses, but to family, friends, co-workers and strangers. I don’t understand what I did to deserve the anguish and pain that comes along with this condition and while I say I am doing fine and I am dealing with it, the truth is, I am only dealing with it as much as someone with a broken heart can. I am trying to stay positive now that we are on the IVF route but truth be told, I have this incredible fear that this isn’t going to work and my final option is going to be taken away from me and we will have to begin the conversations about surrogacy and adoption. I am petrified to make it to that point and while I don’t want infertility to define me, it’s dictating my entire life, causing me to lose trust and is crushing my soul. I have a RESOLVE group tonight and it couldn’t come at a more needed time. Support in this journey is crucial and I am hoping I hear some things tonight from other women who are struggling that will get me through the next 4 weeks and 50+ shots. Some cookie dough, my sweats, my shows and a cozy blanket may help as well…

What I have to look forward to...

This lovely package came in the mail today.

I am excited and nervous to start my first round of shots (lupron) but seeing it all on my dining room table is a little intimidating. The crazy thing is that these are the easy shots! Wish me courage and luck as I become a human pincushion; I am definitely going to need both!

Inspiring Words...

And the IVF journey begins…

Sunday I officially started down the IVF path and today I was given my drug schedule and tentatively scheduled my Egg harvest and my Egg implantation for the middle of October. The process is pretty crazy and there is a lot to remember and do so it is pretty overwhelming. Knowing my husband, I sent him Outlook calendar invites to remind him what stage I am in and what I should be doing so he can keep me on track or can empathize when I am acting crazy.

I am anxious to start everything and while it is a lot to take on and I wish I didn’t have to take this step, I am reveling in the hope this next step brings. If everything goes smoothly my IVF schedule will be this…

9/4 through 9/24- Oral Birth Control Pills- While it may be strange to take birth control in order to get pregnant, it is actually helpful because it synchronizes the immature eggs so they will respond to the other drugs in a similar fashion, which increases the number of mature eggs that can be retrieved during harvesting.

9/18 through 10/2- Beginning of shots! 10 units of Lupron administered through self given shot- Lupron helps prevent the release of eggs prior to egg retrieval.

10/3 through 10/13- 5 units of Lupron also administered through self given shot.

10/3 through 10/13- Add in Repronex and Follistim. Both of these are self given shots and help stimulate the growth and maturation of the eggs.

10/10 through 10/13- Possible Dates of a self-given HCG injection. This helps to mature the eggs so they are ready for ovulation

10/12 through 10/15- Possible dates of egg retrieval- This procedure is done through conscious sedation using a small needle that penetrates the ovaries to collect the eggs.

Following egg retrieval- Daily Progesterone Shots- These shots are self administered and are the consistency of peanut butter. They are done every day until you either find out you are not pregnant or that you are in week 10 of your pregnancy.

10/16 through 10/20- Possible dates of embryo transfer- After the eggs have been fertilized, they watch them for 3-5 days. If they are viable embryos 1-2 can be transferred into the uterus using a small catheter. 2-3 days bedrest following the procedure is recommended.

10/31- Pregnancy Test!

Wouldn’t that be the best Halloween ever?!? This is a very involved process but I am very hopeful and optimistic that this is our answer and that Baby Ricci will be here before we know it. I will keep you updated on my progress and the side effects I have from this intense drug cocktail.

Wish me luck!!!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother...

I saw this passage and it encapsulated much of what I feel, although I must preface it with I do not think I will be a "better" mother than anyone else out there. I know some incredible moms and I will be lucky to be half the women they are, so please do not think that I don't respect and admire the mothers you are or think that you are not amazing because you did not deal with infertility. Many women go through infertility and are still not the kind of mom I wish to be and I believe it is as much about the individual as the experiences that shape them as people and help them grow. What really spoke to me about this passage was the description of heartache and pain that I have experienced. I truly believe it has strengthened me and I believe I will appreciate every second I have with my child because I have pined for them for so long. As difficult as this jouney have been, I am grateful for the wisdom I have learned as I have endured this trial and for the friends who have stood beside me every step of the way.

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or becase I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-unknown

On to IVF...

First of all, thanks to everyone who had their fingers/toes and everything else crossed or to those who sent well wishes and prayers our way for Baby Ricci. It was greatly appreciated and I felt much more in control this time around. Unfortunately even after believing whole heartedly this was our month, we recently learned that IUI didn’t work. While it was really difficult to get that news, we are grateful to be moving on to the next step of IVF and are anxious for this treatment to hopefully bring us Baby Ricci. When I learned IUI didn’t work, I felt really beaten down and drained both emotionally and physically and was extremely angry that once again I had been given heart shattering news. Luckily these feelings only lasted a day and I am now feeling at peace with everything and very (cautiously) optimistic.

Following the knowledge that IUI didn’t work, I scheduled an IVF consultation appointment. Although I thought I knew a lot about IVF, as I read over the papers they sent me prior to my appointment that discuss the shots, the mixing of the drugs, the timing, the harvesting, the transferring of embryos, the recovery, the process of developing embryos, the choice of how many embryos to implant and everything in between, I began to feel overwhelmed. Well today we went to our IVF consultation to discuss the process, timing and all of the drugs IVF involves and luckily Mike was able to attend with me. Mike tends to keep my head in a more logical vs. emotional place and it was nice to be able to sit down with him and our Dr. and ask all of the questions that have been running through our heads since I received the bad news. I left our appointment feeling empowered and although I am scared for the daily self injected shots and the magnitude of emotions that will come with them, I am a stronger woman than I give myself credit for and I know the fear is something I can overcome. I truly feel that even though I am not physically a mother, I emotionally have been for the past 28 months and am more than willing to put myself through hell and back and do everything physically possible to bring our little miracle into this world.

So as we move into Fall where the leaves change and the crispness in the air returns, our journey is also changing and I couldn’t be more anxious and excited. I look forward to hopefully learning good news at the end of October and to the lessons I will learn and the strength I am bound to gain as we endure the most invasive treatment yet. Please continue to join us and we continue on this crazy bumpy ride.