RESOLVE...

A few weeks ago a friend of mine and I went to the SLC RESOLVE group. It was a very good experience and it was nice to be around others who are dealing with the vast array of emotions that come with infertility. It was also nice to be able to ask questions, get insight and advice from others and talk about conditions and treatments I have never heard of. Utah actually has a high number of women who struggle with infertility, but it’s rarely talked about due to the emphasis Utah and the LDS church put on family and children. It’s difficult to be in a society where children are so prevalent and to always be asked “when are you going to have a baby?” or be told almost daily about people who are expecting. I am a huge advocate of support groups, whether for infertility, death, addictions, etc., and really believe that it is the best way to deal with the emotions that come along with this devastating and oftentimes difficult journey.

Following our first meeting the woman who started the group announced she would no longer continue being the group leader since in-vitro finally worked for her and she is pregnant with triplets! She also stated that to have a beneficial peer support group, RESOLVE suggests you should split the group after there are 8 members who come consistently. Due to my work at The Sharing Place and this blog, I decided to take on the task of leading the second RESOLVE group and I couldn’t be more excited!

This new group will begin on July 19th and we will meet the third Tuesday of the month from 6:30 pm until 8:00 pm. Stephanie was incredibly generous and is going to allow us to use one of the rooms at The Sharing Place to hold meetings. The location of The Sharing Place is 1695 East 3300 South and there is plenty of free parking both in the lots and on the street. If you or anyone you know is interested in attending, please feel free to email me at Lauren.Ricci@fmr.com with your contact info, how you heard about group and where you are in your infertility journey and I will be happy to give you all of the information.

I am looking forward to this new challenge and the opportunity to connect with some other women who are currently enduring the pain that is infertility.

Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend! I will update about my surgery sometime next week. Wish me luck!

A Heavy Heart...

I was finally able to schedule my surgery and will be going under the knife on Tuesday the 31st. I am excited (is it weird to be excited about surgery?) but I also have a heavy heart. I know three months doesn’t seem like a long time in the whole grand scheme of things, but to me it feels like an eternity. I watch all of my pregnant friend’s bellies grow and think of the miracle they are currently experiencing and the joy their little ones will soon bring to their life, and I can’t help but be a bit envious. It is a big pill to swallow knowing that we won’t even be able to see if the surgery is a success for 2 months and even then, I will probably still need to undergo a bunch of procedures to get this baby here. As much as I want to believe this surgery is the answer, I truly believe it is just a small step in our infertility journey and I still have a long way to go. I know in my heart of hearts that we will have a baby Ricci, but the emotions that have come with having to stop trying to fulfill our deepest desires has been heart wrenching. Today it hurts, today I am sad, today I don’t have much hope and it’s been especially difficult having Mike be gone all week and having no one to share my burden with. This will soon pass as it always does but today I am going to allow myself to feel the pain. I think after two years, I deserve it.

Surgery it is...

Yesterday I went in for my sonohysterogram. My mom was kind enough to come with me, although I think she was more nervous than I was. I guess she never would have asked her mom, or anyone for that matter to come with her to something like that. I guess I am more a chicken than she is.

Anyway, the sonohysterogram wasn’t nearly as bad as the HSG, but was still pretty crampy and painful. My Dr. was very aware of the pain associated with it though and kept the communication open so he could stop anytime it was too much. Following the test he concluded I do indeed have a 1 cm septum that could be causing early miscarriages. A normal uterus measures about 4 cm so my septum is currently occupying ¼ of it and because it is an abnormality, it doesn’t have the correct cardiovascular system needed to support a pregnancy if an embryo implants in it.

With this conclusion, my Dr. decided it would be in my best interest to remove it before proceeding with more IUI’s and In-Vitro. The surgery itself seems pretty simple but I will need to go under general anesthesia and take a few days off of work to rest and heal. The Dr. has also told me to quit taking my clomid and has put me on a birth control pill in order to thicken the uterine lining. After the surgery, Mike and I will need to put our “trying” on hold for 1-2 months in order for me to heal completely. During this time, I will be on a steroid to help the uterine wall heal and make it strong enough to carry a baby to term.

This decision is bitter-sweet because it does prolong our fertility journey at least 3 more months, but I know it’s the right decision for us. I am happy there is finally something “wrong” and something we can do now and truly hope this is our answer. I am waiting for the schedulers to call me but I am guessing the surgery will be next Thursday or Friday or the following week. After I get the Dr.’s OK after following surgery, Mike and I will continue with IUI and move onto In-Vitro in probably October or November. While 6 months seems so far away, I am looking forward to taking a bit of a break to be selfish, focus on Mike and I, plan another trip to San Fran and enjoy the spring/summer weather (if it ever gets here!).

Thanks for all of your sweet offers of foods, visits and help during this time. It’s amazing how talking about this and having all or your support helps to lighten my burden and makes this disheartening and painful journey somewhat bearable. Someday I know I will look back on this and take all of this as a blessing and be reminded of the amazing people who were there for me during this difficult time.

Another Hurdle...

Do you remember this post… Some Answers. Well as a reminder, these are my HSG results in which they found I have a uterine abnormality and is relevant to the following post.

Friday I went in for my day three ultrasound and blood work in order to check my eggs and ovaries. The Dr. said everything looked great but wanted to talk to me more about my uterine abnormality. After reviewing my HSG report, he found that I most likely have a uterine septum rather than an arcuate uterus. A septum is a congenital malformation where the uterine cavity is divided by tissue, which makes for an unfavorable environment for an embryo to implant. While a septum doesn’t necessarily cause infertility, it carries a high risk of miscarriages, preterm labor and pregnancy complications because a baby is not able to move around as it would in a normal shaped uterus. If a baby is able to make it full term, a c-section is usually necessary because they are usually breeched.

Knowing this new information, my Dr. up at the U has suggested I undergo a sonohysterogram, which is very similar to a HSG, only instead of dye, they use saline. During this procedure my Dr. will measure how long the septum is and evaluate whether or not I should undergo surgery to correct it, although he is pretty positive I will need to. While a septum isn’t causing my infertility, we are pretty sure I have had a few early miscarriages due to some high progesterone readings and the Dr. doesn’t want me to undergo more IUI’s and IVF to only end up miscarrying.

I have my procedure tomorrow and if the results come back pro surgery, I hope to have that scheduled in the next few weeks. I was in such shock on Friday at the words “you may need surgery” that I forgot to ask all the important questions such as how long is the surgery, what is the recovery time following the surgery, what does the surgery entail and when can we begin trying again? I will post the results and answers to these questions as soon as they come back. While I am scared to undergo surgery, I am hopeful that this could be our answer and to me, it’s worth trying.

Just another hurdle in getting Baby Ricci here...

Officially Two Years and Counting...

It looks like we are onto month 24, or officially 2 years in this infertility struggle. I learned on Tuesday that our first attempt at IUI did not work even though both Dr. Terry and my nurse Cindy were very optimistic about my egg size and Mike’s sample. It’s incredibly disheartening, especially because I truly thought in my heart of hearts and deep in my soul that this was going to be the month. It was probably the hope and anticipation of results from doing something new that really had me believing it was finally our time instead of actual symtoms.

In the midst of waiting for these results, we finally had our appointment up at the University of Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine, which was a good thing. They validated that we were on the right track and everything we were doing was necessary. The Dr. we met with up there thought we should try IUI two more times and then begin in-vitro come July/August. I go in for more bloodwork and an ultrasound tomorrow to check my eggs, start another round of clomid Sunday and then we will begin the next round of IUI on May 23rd. I am trying to stay hopeful but I think I know deep down that the only way Baby Ricci is truly going to get here is going to either be through in-vitro or surrogacy. It’s strange, I have always known in my bones that I would have fertility problems but I never thought this is how I would become a mother. It’s a surreal reality to know that I will not ever be able to have children naturally and a feeling I can't put into words. I am feeling a little better about the situation though because at least we now are undergoing more serious infertility measures but I am truly counting down the days until we can begin the process of in-vitro, even though I completely petrified of giving myself shots and the whole harvesting of eggs thing. Even though I am scared, I am ready to do whatever it takes to get Baby Ricci here.

On a positive note, I did find two silver linings in this last cycle of IUI not working. First, I will now be able to attend my brother-in-law’s wedding in Trinidad & Tobago. The wedding is taking place in January and if this cycle had worked, I would have been due at that exact time. Since I am not pregnant though, off to Tobago we go! Second, we are getting into the due date months I really want for our child. I really didn’t want a November, December, January baby when we first started trying due to RSV and the whole holiday season birthday thing so now if I conceive anytime in the next 7 months, Baby Ricci will come from February to September, which I think is absolutely perfect! You have to take the small victories in this whole infertility journey.

Hoping all of you undergoing your treatments this month get better results than I did and that 2011 is the year for all of us!

Happy Mother's Day!

I received this text from one of my dear friends yesterday and it was just what I needed to hear.

"I don't know many people who could already love so blindly, and I truly admire the love you have for Baby ricci. You are and will be an amazing mother, so today I wish you a Happy Mother's Day, for a baby that may not yet be in your arms, but is already in your heart."

I am lucky to have some amazing friends and a wonderful family to be there with me throughout this difficult journey and while mother's day is not the easiest day of the year for me, it's still a day about celebrating the incredible mamas, mama's to be and all of us someday mamas who are lucky enough to have great examples to follow and emulate. I hope whether you are a mother or want to become one that you were able to have a fabulous day and that next year you will be celebrating with your little miracle.

Another baby purchase!

I really do love babysteals.com! Normally $50.00, purchased for $25.00!

I am kind of in love. Baby Ricci needs to get here soon so we can use all of this adorable stuff!!!

Silver Lining!

There are some good things about not being able to have a baby the moment you hope to, and one of those good things is SHOPPING!!! I have worked at Sharing Place as a second job for a year and a half and instead of spending the money I earn there, Mike and I decided to put it into a baby savings fund. We have a good little nest egg built up for baby Ricci and I can’t wait to spend it on them. Over the past two years I have also signed up for various baby websites including http://www.babysteals.com/, http://www.swaddledesigns.com/, http://www.petuniapicklebottom.com/, http://www.laylagrace.com/, http://www.babiesrus.com/, http://www.softminkyblankets.com/, http://www.projectnursery.com/, http://www.uddercovers.com/, http://www.sevenslings.com/ and http://www.jjcole.com/ both via email and facebook. I love getting ideas from these websites and I LOVE how modern baby gear is becoming and how companies are embracing the use of damask in their designs. (I am a huge damask fan!)

Another thing I am loving in the cyber world is giveaways, as well as the tried and true coupon codes and my FAVE website http://www.babysteals.com/. Thanks to all the above websites, as well as some shopping help from Miss Brittney, I have been able to take advantage of some great deals and am slowly assembling a collection of baby gear. Yes I have gone crazy (I mean buying things for a baby not even in the oven yet may be borderline certifiable) but I do have rules! I only buy things I am going to need for myself, items that are practical or baby items that are gender neutral. Here are some pics of my favorite things I have purchased.

This is my ABSOLUTE fave thing I have purchased. It's a Petunia Picklebottom Shoulder Bag that I bought off http://www.babysteals.com/ It is normally $180.00, I bought it for $80.00. It's very well designed, I love the fabric and it has plenty of room. If these come up again, I highly suggest buying one.Baby Chai Hooded Towell. This is adorable and I love the little owls. There is a super cute elephant one I gave Brittney too. Normally $60.00, found on http://www.babysteals.com/ for $28.00. Can't wait to use it!

Udder Cover- My cute friend Rachel sent me a coupon code for a free uddercover from http://www.uddercovers.com/, I just had to pay shipping. I bought this one and yesterday I bought another because they are currently doing another sale. If you visit http://www.uddercovers.com/ and use promo code "mother", you can get this for $9.95. STEAL! Isn't this fabric ADORABLE! When you buy the udder cover, it gives you a coupon for a free sling as well. I got the following two for free and just had to pay shipping of $11.95. Love this fabric too! These models are a bit cheesy though :)

My dear friend Brittney was kind enough to hit up the JJ Cole Sale for me. She picked up these awesome diaper caddies (one for me, one my parents and Mike's parents ), as well as the Urban Bundle Me in black and an original Bundle Me (not pictured), the Green and Brown Muslin Blankets as well as some bibs and an outdoor blanket. Grand total= $120.00 for everything! You have to love good deals.

Well now that you know my secret of crazy baby shopping, any deals or good websites you wish to pass on would be greatly appreciated. Happy shopping everyone!

To Tell or Not to Tell?

Mike and I have had the conversation of how long we would wait to tell people we are pregnant 1.000 times over the years and think we have finally come up with an answer. When we first began trying we always said we wouldn’t tell anyone except for our parents and extremely close friends until I was in my second trimester for various reasons. Well, since the years have dragged on and I have become so open about my journey, I have debated if this is still the right thing to do. I am very lucky that so many people keep us and baby Ricci in their thoughts and prayers and I don’t feel it is right to keep such exciting news from people who really care about our journey. I know many people don’t like to tell people before 12 weeks due to the high likelihood of miscarriage but knowing myself, if I were to have a miscarriage, I would want to talk about it. I have always been an open book whether it is regarding my family, my dad’s death, my relationship or infertility and I know a miscarriage wouldn’t be an exception. I would rather go through something that difficult with the support of amazing people than alone, even if it’s painful. So, Mike and I have decided that we will tell our families, dear friends, and anyone who has taken interest in our infertility journey soon after we find out we are expecting. I won’t announce it to the Facebook world until I feel ready but I will post it on this blog after being able to tell our family and friends in person. While this may make for the longest pregnancy in the world, I want to be able to share in this excitement with people who really care. Plus, you KNOW I wouldn’t be able to keep that news to myself!