Round Two Done!

I just finished my second round of Clomid and this cycle was a breeze! Absolutely no hot flashes, craziness or the insatiable need to kill someone, unless you count my rant on horoscopes. It was probably good Mike was out of town and that I was sick for a week straight, otherwise I may be telling a different story. Either way I feel really lucky to be one of the few that doesn't have the emotional side effects and wish everyone going through infertility could have the same experience. I am unsure if my body was used to the hormone or if taking it day three helped but if every round is like this, I could do this for years! Here's to hoping this round works and if not, that every round after will be this easy! Have a great day!

Current Plea...

Since I was 15 I have jotted down baby names in my diary and as soon as Mike and I became engaged, I started telling him names as a way to fill my baby void. For the first few years he was adament that he would not talk to me about names because we were nowhere near that stage in our lives. Since we have decided to have a baby, we (or I) talk about names all the time since it is the only thing we (or I) can really control. Due to our last name being so Italian, we have had a difficult time finding names that "flow" but we have narrowed it down to a few names we hopefully will be able to use soon. The most difficult thing about this all though has been timing. We have had names picked out for almost 2 years and with every family or friends' babies that are born, names on our list get used and I constantly fear that by the time we have a child, none of the names we love will be left. I think this part is just as frustrating as not having a baby to name so here is my current plea...

Dear God, please continue to bless my friends and family with babies but also bless them with adorable names that are different than the names we want to use for baby Ricci. If that is too much to ask, please bless me with some new names that I will love. Thank you in advance! :)

I feel a little weird sharing our fave names because I am a bit superstitious but I have shared everything else regarding my journey, so here they are! At least names are a fun thing to talk about. If you have any names you want to suggest, I would love to hear them!

Girls

(no idea what middle name will be)

*Avella (uh-vell-uh)

*Siena

Sien

Emrie

Averie

Giuliana

Giada

Boys

(middle name Vincent)

*Parker

Noah

Caleb

Brecken

Hudson

Luca

Collier

Cambridge

The starred names are our current faves. Can't wait until I can finally stop calling this non-existent pregnancy an actual name! I think I have finally officially lost it. Who not only picks names before they are pregnant, but actually shares them? Maybe it's time to have me committed. :)

PS, I have been hearing about the change in astrological signs all week on Facebook and it's been irritating the hell out of me. I really wish that the changing astrological signs was currently my biggest worry in my life. Sorry, I think that's my Clomid talking. Just ignore me.

"She had wanted to be a mother and share a love divine"

Newest favorite quote.

Round Two...

After one hellish week between Mike being gone, getting food poisoning, having yet another negative pregnancy test, starting my cycle and catching a cold/cough, I will be ending my week with round two of Clomid. My new Dr. wants me to take the pills day 3-7 instead of 5-10, so I am unsure if this will change any of my side effects, but I am hoping it doesn't. Now I am just gearing up for another week of hot flashes, nausea, fatigue and maybe a dash of craziness. At least Mike will be home tomorrow night, the house is clean thanks to Miss Marilyn and we both have Monday off. I just need to remember to breathe, that Mike is on my side and that the temporary pain and frustration is worth it for baby Ricci. Please cross your fingers that the new year will bring some new luck and that this is an easy round. Your thoughts, prayers and good vibes are what keep me going! That and hearing things like this...

spent a cherished evening with Miss Sawyer last night. Dinner time, bath time, cuddle and story time, then we fell asleep together at bedtime. What an amazing little girl....

Just picked my princess up from preschool and the kids and I are enjoying a picnic in the living room followed by ice cream sundaes. I love being a mom.

So grateful for my kids...love the way they can make me laugh, they are hilarious!

I just finished my make-up and my 3 year old boy says "Mom you're a girl now". I asked him if I was a girl before my make-up and he told me no.

Can't get enough of my Ky sometimes! He came down the hall in his diaper with my slippers on his feet...it was so adorable! Why does he have to grow up so fast?!

and ESPECIALLY this one...

The girls are so excited to welcome another little member to the family and we ALL can't wait to meet this little one whom we have waited a little EXTRA long for :-D

Thanks to some of my dearest friends for letting me steal your posts. These words and stories remind me how incredible the gift of motherhood truly is and not to give up because I will someday be experiencing these same priceless moments.

Negative...

Well it's official, the first round of Clomid did not produce a baby Ricci. Today I had a little meltdown and went into control freak organization mode. My psychology side says this is because I can't control the one thing I truly want so I felt the need to control everything else. My poor hubby. At least he is pretty understanding and knows I am just a bundle of emotions and it's not him.

Now I am just impatiently waiting for my next cycle to begin so I can start my second round of Clomid. Really hoping my side effects are the same as my first round and that this time I will see some results. Nothing worse than being hot flashy, moody, bloated and tired for no damn reason!

No one ever told me patience would be the most difficult lesson I would ever have to learn... Hoping month 21 is our lucky one. Now please excuse me while I bury my emotions in cookie dough.

Renewed Hope

Sunday was a hard day. As much as I don't want to admit it and as much as I wish this emotion wasn't a part of my journey, I can't help but feel a tinge jealousy and sadness when I learn someone is pregnant the same time I learn I am not. This is a difficult emotion because it is an internal battle and makes me feel as though I have an angel and a devil on my shoulder. While I am incredibly happy for others who have received amazing news, I feel empty and sad that I myself am not hearing the same joyous news. It's crazy the gammet of emotions you experience when dealing with infertility.

Monday on the other hand was an incredible day. I was FINALLY able to get into Dr. Terry, who I have been waiting to see since October. The minute I met him I knew that he would help bring Baby Ricci into this world and that he would be my Dr. for as long as he would let me. He truly is great and made me feel so comfortable and optimistic about the future. He spent an hour with Mike and I discussing our history, listening to everything we have done and giving advice. When I told him my progesterone results following my first round of clomid, he felt that I HAD ovulated and that the clomid did it's job. He recommended another round of clomid at 50 mgs because he says "we want to keep you on the lowest dose that yield results" and if I don't ovulate on that, then we will talk about increasing my dose to 100 mgs. He then said he wanted to try this for 3-4 months and if that didn't work, we would go onto the next form of treatments, which would be surge results and Artificial Insemination. If that doesn't work, we will move onto a laproscopy and finally IVF. He was VERY confident though that a baby Ricci would either be here in 2011, or at least be making their presense known.

While Dr. Terry didn't give me any additional medication, he gave me something that was incredibly needed...hope. I can't tell you what a difference an optimistic Dr. will make and I am feeling so much more in control now that I have a medical support system behind me. I really do believe that 2011 is going to be our year!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Today...

Today I have been plagued with internal questions; they are haunting and are questions I cannot answer. Today I am broken, today I am lost, today I am numb. I want to keep faith, I want to trust this will happen but 20 heartbreaks later, I feel my faith slowly slipping away. I am devastated and I don't understand what I did to deserve this pain. Crying is supposed to heal your soul but today it feels as though it has just widened the wound. I will be ok, just not today. Today I need to be sad, today I need to feel it, today I need to question and today I need to lose my faith. Today is my weakness but tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will bring renewed hope.