Bump Ahead!

 Mike and I are thrilled to share that after a very quiet round of IVF, Baby Ricci is due to arrive on 2/16/13.  We heard and saw the heartbeat this morning and it was the most incredible experience of our lives.  After all of the heartache and days spent waiting for our little one, the magic of our little one's heartbeat made every bit of this journey worth it.  We couldn’t be more thrilled and feel so blessed to have the support of such an amazing family and friends.  The Dr. told us that the heartbeat is very strong and that this is the best outcome he could have asked for.  Thanks so much for all your thoughts, prayers and heartfelt messages; knowing we had people behind us made getting through this trial possible. 

 Such a cute little peanut already!  Mike and I both have a hunch it's a girl but we won't be able to find out for 10 more weeks.  For now we are just enjoying that in 9 short months, we will be a family of three.  We can't wait.

XOXOX....

Mike, Lauren and Baby Ricci :)

A reminder...

I watched sweet Avaya the other night and every moment of holding her, feeding her, cuddling her and every second in between, was a reminder of why this infertility journey will someday be worth it...

I recently found a new infertility blog called Infertility Inferschmility, which chronicles the infertility of a woman out of Chicago who has gone through a similar journey as me, but who is now pregnant. In one of her earlier posts she filled out a "What Defines Me?" post and it reminded me how much strength I have gained from this three year struggle so I decided to answer the questions from my own perspective (although I kept a few of her answers since they were so eloquent).

 

I knew I was Courageous when... my fear of needles became a reality as I started daily shots.

I knew I was Brave when... I underwent my D&C and said goodbye to all the hopes and dreams my pregnancy had brought me.

I knew I was Defiant when... I didn’t allow infertility to break me.

I knew I was Bold when... I pushed through the pain and heartache of hyperstimulation.

I knew I was Selfless when... I gave complete control of my body and mind to infertility treatments.

I knew I was Resilient when... I kept standing as my world was crumbling.

I knew I was Determined when... I didn't stop trying.

I knew I was Purposeful when... I realized God gave me this journey and the strength to tell my story.

I knew I was Devoted when... I opened my heart and soul to our someday baby and made the choice to do everything in my power to bring Baby Ricci into our life one way or another.

Even though this journey has been plagued with uncertainty, it has taught me more than I ever could have learned without this hardship. I am a stronger woman and will be a better mom because of this journey and I know someday I will appreciate the trials I have been faced with. I just have to remind myself to take each day one at a time, to allow myself to feel every emotion that infertility brings and that this will eventually all be worth it when we have our miracle in our arms.

Masochistic...

I have decided I am a masochist.  I watch 16 and Pregnant, babysit for free, throw baby showers, check out babysteals.com daily, and buy group baby gifts for work.  I also sometimes blogstalk, but I had been able to give Facebook up.  That is until yesterday.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Yesterday I wanted to see pictures of my friend’s new baby, so I “reactivated” my Facebook account for literally 5 minutes.  My intention was just to look at the baby pictures (which is torture enough), but I then started to look at status updates.  I have been good and have not been on once since I deleted it, but the devil on my shoulder somehow won yesterday.  In the midst of my reading status updates, I was bombarded by baby news; baby pics, expecting announcements, gender announcements and birth announcements filled my news feed and I had to slam my computer shut.  Now I am not angry at these people or wish I had their lives or their babies, but it does once again make me question, “why isn’t it that easy for us?”,” when is it our turn?”, “what are we doing wrong?”, “why don’t we deserve a baby?”  These questions flooded my mind and brought tears to my eyes and I was pounded right back into the hole I have been attempting to dig myself out of.  I obviously am not emotionally ready to handle the Facebook world quite yet and I need to keep myself protected in order to keep my heart in tact.  I am also reacting to the grief in a physical way; in fact, about 8 weeks ago I had a nervous breakdown.  I began having daily anxiety attacks, could barely get out of bed and was thinking in ways I never had before.  I withdrew from everything; Sharing Place, my RESOLVE group, my relationship, my friendships and anything else that was a commitment outside of work.  I had never felt that way and I knew I needed help.  I luckily had an appointment with a new internal medicine Dr. 6 weeks ago and he was able to put me on an anti-depressant that appears to be working, as well as something to get through the anxiety attacks.

I wish I knew how to explain how hard infertility has been on me and that I am not trying to hyper-focus on my inability to have a baby, but the emotions are hard to understand and convey to those not dealing with the emptiness and pain infertility brings.  While I am genuinely happy for anyone who does get pregnant, it still feels like salt in my never healing wound every time I hear someone else’s happy news or attend a baby shower.  I hate what infertility has turned me into and the bitterness and darkness that has consumed my heart due to this three year struggle. I know we will get our little one someway or somehow and that we don’t have a baby for some reason, but in between all the hormones my body has been bombarded with and the emotional pain that accompanies it, it’s hard to see through the darkness.   I hope now that my hormones are beginning to stabilize and my medications are kicking in that I can deal with things better, but it’s been a rough road.  I am sorry to anyone I have let down, who has felt they can’t share news because of my own personal battle or for those I have pulled away from.  It’s nothing any of you did; it’s all me and the depression that has overcome my soul.  I hope to be better soon but please know, I am truly doing the best I can and am just taking it one day at a time…

I'm Tired...

Today I should be 14 weeks and in my second trimester.  It’s weird to think that almost 2 months have passed since my heart shattered and I had to say goodbye to my pregnancy and all of the hopes and dreams that came with it.  I have found it’s been a strange transition to go from hopeful and trying to just waiting with a broken heart.  I am having a hard time dealing with the emotions that have come with this miscarriage and hearing and seeing people reveal pregnancies that have roughly the same due date I should have had.  I have turned into an ugly person and it’s not who I want to be.  This whole process has become extremely draining and Facebook and my blog have exacerbated my sadness.  I am having a difficult time just getting through the daily tasks without worrying about updating my blog or keeping up on emails, Facebook messages and everything else technology provides us with.  In order to heal myself and get some things done that I have had on my list for months, I have decided to take a break from the social networking world.  I truly appreciate all the love and support I have gained from this blog and my Facebook page, but I just need a break.  I have said “I can’t do that in case” or “maybe next month” too many times and I have fallen into a funk that I can’t seem to be able to dig myself out of.  I will still have the RESOLVE group going on and will be answering emails at LaurenNRicci@gmail.com but it’s not going to be at the forefront of my to-do list.  I just need to get back to me and I need to get back to the “us” in my relationship because I don’t want to resent the years I spent trying.  So thank you very much for listening, supporting and helping me get through this difficult journey.  I hope when I do feel ready to come back I have a renewed sense of hope, or some good news to share.  All my best to each of you!

XOXOX…

Ricci Genetics...

Yesterday Mike and I had our follow up appointment at the fertility clinic to decide what the next steps were.  After my D&C we opted to have genetic testing done in order to shed some light onto why I miscarried and where we should go from here.  Unfortunately/fortunately the genetic tests didn’t find any chromosomal abnormalities, which means we are unsure why the pregnancy failed.  Since the results were inconclusive, we are back to square one trying to figure out what we can do to boost the chances of IVF working.  There are three things that could be contributing factors that Dr. Hammoud mentioned, so now we are just trying to figure out which it could be, if any.  They are…

1)      The first (and I believe most likely) is there is a problem in the maturation process.  Each time I have had a retrieval done, I have been able to get many eggs but by the time we reach day 5 there are only a couple embryos left and we never have any to freeze.  Dr. Hammoud believes this is because I overstimulate, or stimulate too quickly, and the eggs grow quickly but don’t mature as fast as they are growing.  In order to stop this from happening, I will go on metformin three months prior to my next IVF cycle and then take a very low dose of IVF medication.  This will result in fewer eggs but will hopefully increase their quality and allow them to develop into healthy embryos.

2)      Dr. Hammoud wants to do a hysteroscopy (go in with a small camera and look around), to see how much of my septum is remaining.  Although they removed it, they haven’t been able to confirm how much of the septum is left (they never completely remove it) and so they want to verify that the remainder of the septum isn’t a contributing factor as to why we lost our baby.  As I have mentioned before, a septum is a uterine abnormality that causes an unfavorable environment for a fetus to grow due to the lack of nutrition/blood supply available in a septum and can cause early miscarriages

3)      During an appointment last month, Dr. Petersen stated I may have some endometriosis because my right ovary doesn’t move.  I have always suspected I have endometriosis but I have never confirmed it because of how invasive laparoscopic surgery is and the fear of scar tissue, but it could be an option.  It will be a last resort though.

 

Our game plan right now is to be on a voluntary break from hardcore treatments until October just so I can relax and flush all these crazy drugs/hormones out of my body and so Mike and I can recoup from the emotional stress infertility can cause.  This date may change but as of right now, I am pretty set on waiting to start the IVF process again.  I may begin clomid again in April just to help my body ovulate, but I won’t be tracking my cycle and doing bloodwork like I have been.

I never realized IVF and infertility would be so hard on me, both emotionally and physically, and I am looking forward to getting away from the dark, angry, complainy person this has turned me into and am excited to begin focusing more on my relationship, my job and myself.  I am looking forward to many more date nights, dinners with my girls, vacations, spontaneity, accomplishments in both our careers, gym time, wine nights and me time.  I have also decided that I am tired of being a victim to my body so I have committed to run the St. George Marathon in October, as long as I can get in (it’s a lottery).  No longer will my body control me; I will control it.         

So that’s where we are.  I was having a really difficult time but I am starting to feel better and more in control than I have in a long time.  We booked a trip to Mexico in September over baby due date, and that has been a huge help.  It’s also my birthday month so I have lots of dinners, dates and celebrations on the books; all of which tend to heal my heart.  Happy 2012; I am just pretending January never happened.  :) 

Oh and silver lining... when we first found out I was pregnant Mike and I were both positive that it was a girl.  SInce we were able to get genetic testing done, we had them find out the gender and voila, we were right.  Yay for having mama intuituion!!!

Happy weekend everyone!

2+1=

My cute friend Taylor and her hubby Darren are in the process of adopting and I wanted to share their profile. She is one of the strongest women I know and she will be one incredible mama. She has been through so much in order to get her little one here and while it's been a tough road, she always handles everything with grace, humility and a smile on her face. So if you know anyone who is trying to find a family for their baby, please think of Taylor and her hubby Darren because I couldn't think of anyone more deserving then these two. Click here to visit their LDS Family Services adoption page and feel free to spread the word. :)

Hey there,

Thank you for taking a minute to get to know us. We admire your courage and strength and hope this letter will help you to know us better.

How We Became Us:
We met 10 years ago in 2001 through mutual friends. The first night we met we stayed up late talking and laughing after everyone had gone home. It was hard for us to say good night because we had such a great time together. Three days later we had our first date. We both knew there was something different than others we have dated and 3 years later we were married.

Extended Family:
We both are very close to our families and spend a lot of time with them. Every other Sunday we have family dinner at Darren’s parents. We enjoy getting together with them to play games and BBQ. Although most of Taylor’s family lives further away, we see them almost every month. We look forward to the family reunion campout each year and all of the laughs and craziness that come with it. Darren likes to go golfing with Taylor’s dad and brothers while Taylor enjoys shopping with her mom and sisters. With all we’ve been through trying to start our family, our families have been so supportive. Whether it’s prayers, family fasts or moral support we feel blessed to have them in our lives.

Hobbies and Interests:
These past few years we’ve been making an effort to enjoy Utah’s great outdoors. In fact as we write this letter we are up in the mountains camping! We love to go hiking with our dogs as well as camping, mountain biking, boating and snowboarding. We both enjoy sports and have played on a co-ed softball team together. Darren loves to golf as well as play the guitar and is a pretty good artist. Taylor enjoys going to the gym, swimming, dancing (mostly as a workout!) and also art, we even took an art class together!

We have been fortunate enough that we have had the opportunity to travel quite a bit throughout our marriage. Some of our favorite places include Maui where we love to relax on the beach. New York City is all about the food for us, though the sights are amazing the food alone is worth the trip. We loved seeing Wicked on Broadway, but one of our favorite attractions is Central Park. Cruises are also a favorite where we just get to be plain lazy!

Darren about Taylor:
The first night Taylor and I met we were in a large group of friends and we were attracted to each other right away. As we started dating we couldn’t see enough of each other. Our friends started to wonder where we always disappeared to. Today my friends still often comment on how it is hard to get us apart. We are not only life partners, but best friends as well. Taylor is the love of my life! She gets me and I get her. She loves to laugh more than anything and I enjoy making her laugh. She is very giving, kind hearted and has a smile that lights up any room. She makes friends very easily and I am constantly being told how much she is adored. When you meet her I know you will feel the same. She has a great love of children and that love is one of the many reasons I wanted her to be my wife. She currently serves in the primary presidency in our ward and I love watching her interact and teach the kids. One of my most fondest memories of Taylor is when we bought our house and I was stressed out about our new financial responsibility. I remember that night we signed all of the paperwork I couldn’t sleep and I sat up in bed because of being overwhelmed and she sat up and put her arms around me and said that we are going to be okay. She had faith that we would make everything work out and we did. We now have lived in our house for almost seven years. She has always been like that in our marriage. One of Taylor’s favorite things to do is travel and we make great traveling buddies. We try to go on a few trips a year and she plans each one. She is a big planner not only on the big things, but the small things as well. She loves her home and she loves her family more than anything. I am extremely lucky to have her by my side as my wife and eternal companion.

Taylor about Darren:
To put it simply, Darren is my better half. From day one he has been my rock and continues to be that for me with all that life throws our way. Darren is a people person, he gets along with everyone and makes them feel at ease. Darren is such a hard worker and excels in his business as a financial planner. One thing that is huge for me is humor and Darren makes me laugh every day weather it’s on purpose or one of his many quirks. I love that he gravitates towards the “under dog” and strives to make them feel loved or included.I know Darren will make an amazing father as I watch him not only with our nieces and nephews, but also with his primary class, he’s always sitting with the one who needs a friend. I love how Darren is tender hearted and I can feel his closeness to the Lord, I see that in the little things each day. I can’t recall a morning Darren hasn’t kissed me on the cheek as I’ve slept as he leaves early for work, I love that. I’m often rushing out the door to work with no time to make lunch and I’ll open the refrigerator to find he’s made me a sandwich and left a sweet note. He hates when I say this because really he is all man, but he is the greatest in that he'll miss out on watching a game and sit through my girly shows with me! That is Darren, thoughtful and always making sure I know of his love for me, I never doubt this. I knew early on in our relationship that he was a keeper and I feel so blessed to be his wife.

Family Goals:
We’ve had many years to think about our future family and the kind of parents we want to be. It has been over five years since we have started trying to have children. Through many failed infertility treatments we have come to realize the blessing adoption can be in our lives, and we are very excited about this opportunity. We want to give our children as many opportunities in life as we can. Whether it be dance, piano, baseball or football no matter what they choose we can’t wait to be a part of those fun experiences with them. With travel being a big part of our lives, we are excited to experience that as a family. Aside from all of the fun stuff, our biggest goal is to have an eternal family and for our children to know where they came from and that they are always supported and loved.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know us. We think the world of you for making such a hard decision. We can only imagine how difficult this process must be and sincerely pray that you will find comfort and inspiration in your decision.

Love, Darren and Taylor

Passion

The other day my loving step-father sent me a card that told me I was passionate.  Passionate about my job, passionate about my marriage and passionate about becoming a mother.  I have been told I am strong, that my ability to be candid has helped another and that I am inspiration.  All of these compliments have been incredibly appreciated, but for some reason being called passionate was exactly what I needed to hear.  I have questioned being open about my journey because the emotions that come with it have been so raw and each time I tell the story salt enters the wound but I also know that being open allows me and my heart to heal.

Today I came across a quote on a blog I follow, and I instantly fell in love.      

"But overall please know...you are irreplaceable.

There is no other person like you.
No one can replace the impact you have and more importantly
the story you are meant to tell."

-Brooke Leanne

This blog Bits of B is the personal blog of Utah photographer Brooke Leanne who owns Blush Photography and she is the definition of passion.  Her posts are eloquent, her love runs deep and her willingness and ability to share her emotions through beautiful words, sounds and pictures are inspirational.  

This quote reminded me that no matter how many times I am kicked down or how broken I feel, God gave me this journey and the strength to tell my story and that's what I am here to do.

Thanks Brooke for being my inspiration and for allowing me to see what passion and strength really is and for giving me the courage to continue sharing my journey.

Utah Share

I have been having a difficult time dealing with the emotions that have come with my miscarriage and I am just not in much of a blogging (or do anything for that matter) mood.  As I was looking at the Utah Share website, which. is for anyone who has experienced the loss of a baby through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth,  newborn, or infant death, I found this grief information.  Just thought I would share...

      When a Baby Dies
Many people do not recognize the grief that can follow a pregnancy loss from miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or newborn death. They respond with an attitude of: “Cheer up; you can try again.” This attitude rarely comforts. Because the baby was never held or perhaps never seen, some people assume the parents should not feel loss. The parent-infant bonding process begins long before birth, so grief is a common and normal response to a loss. The grief following a pregnancy loss can be especially difficult when society seems to say that the grief doesn’t exist. The following guidelines may help you deal with your grief.

Grief
The grief you feel for the loss of your baby is painful. The pain can be lessened a bit by understanding what is happening. Grief seems to follow a pattern of four stages which may overlap, and you may find yourself at different phases at different times. Each parent will be unique in going through the stages of grief. Remember that the grieving process is a normal and necessary part of saying goodbye to your baby.

Shock and Numbness
This stage happens initially and may last 48 hours to two weeks. This is a normal and healthy defense. Your emotions may seem uncontrollable. You may have some difficulty concentrating or taking in information. Your appetite may disappear. You may be exhausted, yet unable to sleep. You may want to sleep all the time.

You may experience feelings of guilt, fear, anxiety, depression, or think that you are losing your mind. You’ll find expressing your true feelings will be healthy. Friends and family may accept grief for a short time. They may not realize how long it can take to resolve. 

Searching and Yearning
This stage may last for several months. You may have the feeling that you’re looking for what you’ve lost. You may feel anger at doctors, nurses, the hospital, or even God. These are normal responses to a loss. Anger is also a normal feeling during this stage of grief. Share your feelings with someone who understands.

Disorientation and Disorganization
This stage may be the most severe in the 4th through 6th months after your loss. Feelings of depression may be strongest at this point. You may experience a lack of motivation, overeating, or no appetite at all. You may have difficulty in making decisions or lose interest in your appearance. You may not feel like leaving the house or going to family gatherings.

Reorganization
This stage does not occur quickly. Be patient with yourself and your partner. Your actions will no longer be mechanical, and you will experience a sense of release, renewed energy, and an ability to enjoy yourself and have a good time without feeling guilty. You will never forget your baby, but you will be able to go on with your life and look to the future.

Emotions, Thoughts, and Feelings
Gradually your grieving will begin to lessen, but this process is not completely smooth. Just as you are starting to feel better, something (an anniversary of your loss or the birth of a friend’s baby) may trigger sadness. After a pregnancy loss, some women feel “phantom kicks” or hear “phantom cries.” They may experience literally aching arms from longing to hold their baby. Some women may be comforted by holding a doll, teddy bear, or even a blanket. There is even the possibility of experiencing some phobias. These are all normal responses and should not cause alarm.

Communication and Patience
Often parents experience marital difficulties following a pregnancy loss. This can be due to the stress of the situation itself or to differences in grieving styles. Because mothers and fathers bond differently with the baby, they may feel the loss differently. Men often think that they must “be strong” and not show their emotions. A woman may mistakenly think that this means her partner does not care. The more a couple can accept and discuss these differences, the less painful their grieving will be.

Other Grieving Tips
During this time of stress, you need extra attention or pampering. Allow yourself any luxury that you can: a new outfit, a movie, dinner out, time alone. Enjoying yourself does not mean you have forgotten your baby; it means that you are taking care of yourself.

Often friends or relatives make statements such as: “You are young,” “You can try again,” “You’re lucky you didn’t get to know the baby,” or “Be grateful your baby is an angel in heaven.” These comments can hurt, although they are usually intended to comfort. Most people are uncomfortable with grief and often don’t know what to say or do to be supportive.

As you respond to such statements, try to keep in mind the good intentions behind them. Let others know that you love and miss your baby. Let them know how they can help you.

Just not meant to be...

The past few weeks have been so incredible.  From the morning we found out we were expecting, to sharing the news with our friends and family to finally feeling pregnancy symptoms instead of drug-induced symptoms.  We began to feel the excitement of what our lives would be like with our little one finally in it, were starting to look at nursery designs, pack and plays and made a couple of purchases including adorable New Orlean Saints pacifiers.  We were being showered with gifts, cards, well wishes and love and were thrilled to finally be on the journey into parenthood and were enjoying every second of it. 

Tuesday, January 10th started out as a wonderful day.  Mike and I had a first ultrasound and were going to learn if we were having one or two Baby Riccis.  Mike and I both believed I was pregnant with one little girl and were looking forward to getting half of that answer.  We walked into the infertility clinic with huge smiles on our faces, talked about how excited we were to be having our baby in September and thought this would be the last time we would be visiting the U of U Reproductive Center.

We finally got called back to an exam room and Dr. Johnstone came in and gave us a congratulations and started our ultrasound.  She verified that the pregnancy was in the uterus but as she looked further, she began to become concerned.  She had found that there was an amniotic sac, but she was unable to see a yolk sac or an embryo inside of it.  She told us she was worried I had a blighted ovum/anembryonic pregnancy but she wanted us to come back on Friday to verify her speculation. 

Mike and I knowing things didn't look good began asking a lot of questions.  As we spoke to her more, she explained that an anembryonic pregnancy is a pregnancy in which the amniotic sac develops but sometime between implantation and 6 weeks, the embryo quits growing due to chromosomoal issues or the quality of the embryo.  When we asked what our chances are she stated there was less than a 50% chance my pregnancy was healthy and viable and we should begin to prepare for the worst.  We made our next ultrasound appointment and left the clinic attempting to stay optimistic., although in my heart I knew this pregnancy was over and Baby Ricci wasn't ready to join our family just yet.  Earlier in the week I had actually started feeling differently physically and was worried something was wrong because I wasn't sick, and wasn't having the same pregnancy symptoms I had the week before.  Since I had never been pregnant before I just decided I was overreacting and tried to believe I was going to be one of the lucky women who didn't have horrible morning sickness and tried to keep a positive outlook.  I guess I should have listened to my woman's intuition. 

As we left the appointment and I tried to wrap my head around everything that was happening, I just lost it.  I was numb, sad, angry and completely bewildered.   How could such happiness come to an end so abruptly and why was yet another heartache happening to us?  A thousand questions started running through my head such as, had we done something wrong?, how were we going to tell everyone we had lost our baby?, and how would our hearts ever heal?  It was just something we never expected...

Friday the 13th we went in for our second ultrasound and Dr. Hammoud verified what we already knew; this was an anembryonic pregnancy.  He shared that the embryo had quit growing at about 5 weeks and we would need to induce a miscarriage.  Due to a trip to Tobago we were leaving for on Saturday, we decided to do a D&C so we wouldn't be waiting to pass the pregnancy and risk ending up in a Tobagan hospital.  I underwent the procedure yesterday morning and while I am physically doing ok, my heart aches for this baby we already loved so much. 

Right now we are still trying to come to terms with everything that has just happened and change our frame of mind from new parents, to parents who just endured a miscarriage.  We decided to have some genetic testing done and hopefully find out why this happened and what we can do to avoid it happening again in the future.  We are also going to take a break from IVF for a bit and plan to start back up in April/May.  It's hard to know that Baby Ricci is still so far away but we have faith in this baby and know they are stubborn and will come when they are ready.  I just wish it was sooner than later.

While this experience has been the most difficult thing we have ever been through, I have been humbled by the entire experience and am extremely grateful for the amazing friends and family we have.  While this has been the most trying time of my life, I know we will get through it due to the amazing support we have and I feel so blessed that Mike, Baby Ricci and I are so overly loved.  When Baby Ricci does come, they truly will be a miracle and will bring so much joy and fulfillment to so many lives and for that, this baby is truly worth waiting for...

"We acquire the strength of that which we have overcome..."- Ralph Waldo Emerson