Masochistic...

I have decided I am a masochist.  I watch 16 and Pregnant, babysit for free, throw baby showers, check out babysteals.com daily, and buy group baby gifts for work.  I also sometimes blogstalk, but I had been able to give Facebook up.  That is until yesterday.  Yesterday was a bad day.  Yesterday I wanted to see pictures of my friend’s new baby, so I “reactivated” my Facebook account for literally 5 minutes.  My intention was just to look at the baby pictures (which is torture enough), but I then started to look at status updates.  I have been good and have not been on once since I deleted it, but the devil on my shoulder somehow won yesterday.  In the midst of my reading status updates, I was bombarded by baby news; baby pics, expecting announcements, gender announcements and birth announcements filled my news feed and I had to slam my computer shut.  Now I am not angry at these people or wish I had their lives or their babies, but it does once again make me question, “why isn’t it that easy for us?”,” when is it our turn?”, “what are we doing wrong?”, “why don’t we deserve a baby?”  These questions flooded my mind and brought tears to my eyes and I was pounded right back into the hole I have been attempting to dig myself out of.  I obviously am not emotionally ready to handle the Facebook world quite yet and I need to keep myself protected in order to keep my heart in tact.  I am also reacting to the grief in a physical way; in fact, about 8 weeks ago I had a nervous breakdown.  I began having daily anxiety attacks, could barely get out of bed and was thinking in ways I never had before.  I withdrew from everything; Sharing Place, my RESOLVE group, my relationship, my friendships and anything else that was a commitment outside of work.  I had never felt that way and I knew I needed help.  I luckily had an appointment with a new internal medicine Dr. 6 weeks ago and he was able to put me on an anti-depressant that appears to be working, as well as something to get through the anxiety attacks.

I wish I knew how to explain how hard infertility has been on me and that I am not trying to hyper-focus on my inability to have a baby, but the emotions are hard to understand and convey to those not dealing with the emptiness and pain infertility brings.  While I am genuinely happy for anyone who does get pregnant, it still feels like salt in my never healing wound every time I hear someone else’s happy news or attend a baby shower.  I hate what infertility has turned me into and the bitterness and darkness that has consumed my heart due to this three year struggle. I know we will get our little one someway or somehow and that we don’t have a baby for some reason, but in between all the hormones my body has been bombarded with and the emotional pain that accompanies it, it’s hard to see through the darkness.   I hope now that my hormones are beginning to stabilize and my medications are kicking in that I can deal with things better, but it’s been a rough road.  I am sorry to anyone I have let down, who has felt they can’t share news because of my own personal battle or for those I have pulled away from.  It’s nothing any of you did; it’s all me and the depression that has overcome my soul.  I hope to be better soon but please know, I am truly doing the best I can and am just taking it one day at a time…