This past month has been unusually hard and I have wanted nothing more than to not think about babies, pregnancy and just try and enjoy life. As much as I desire that, my mind has other plans and I seem to be thinking about babies and pregnancy 24-7 (including in my dreams). We went to Mexico and were able to enjoy 8 days of just being us while enjoying lots of eating, sleeping, reading and relaxing, which was amazing and just what we needed. Unfortunately the second I got back I learned of 8 new pregnancies and I just lost it. I don’t understand what I am doing wrong in life or what the qualifications for becoming a mother are, but I obviously don’t fit the bill. It’s been so frustrating and I am infuriated at God at the moment. I seriously cannot comprehend how meth heads, 16 year olds and people fresh out of rehab can get pregnant at the drop of a hat and people who can provide a wonderful loving home, have their heads on straight and want a baby more than anything can’t get pregnant with all the intervention in the world. You eventually begin to lose faith in the process, in yourself and in God. I am at this point right now and I don’t really know what else to do. I have been a hormonal wreck the past few days and I am emotionally drained. Poor Mike has been as supportive as he can but I am inconsolable and incredibly angry and he is bearing the brunt of that. Infertility truly is the most difficult experience I have ever endured and I don’t know how much more I can go through without breaking.
I have decided that while Dr. Terry is an amazing OBGYN, it’s time for me to go up to a fertility specialist and talk about IUI and invitro. I just finished my 4th round of clomid with again no luck, and I am ready to move on to other options. Dr. Terry believes the clomid is working because my progesterone has been above 30 the past two times, but it still isn’t resulting in becoming pregnant. I have scheduled an appointment with the University of Utah fertility clinic in a few weeks and I am looking forward to seeing what their recommendations are and if they can give me any more information as to why I am not conceiving. I believe the next option will be a follicle study and IUI based on Dr. Terry’s recommendation, but as I have been researching IUI, I have found that the success rate only appears to be 5-20% and is used more in male infertility. Do any of you readers out there know much about IUI or have had success with it? I just wonder if IUI is going to prolong our process and we should be jumping to invitro instead of wasting time with IUI? There are so many unknowns in this stupid process and I really don’t know how much more heartache I can take!
Also, I have been really busy with both my jobs and haven’t had a chance to attend the RESOLVE support group I have been dying to go to. I have decided to make this a priority and am going to try my hardest to go to my first group tomorrow night. I really think I need to talk about my feelings, ask questions, gain a physical support group and have a place to cry. Cross your fingers for me that I can make it and that it’s beneficial for both Mike and I. Finally, thank you again for all of your support and for reading this blog. I sometimes feel so alone in this process and I am so glad to hear all of your stories and own personal experiences. It really does make this all a bit easier.
“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”
3 comments:
I started to go to the U a few months ago are option is ivf with icsi. I have a friend that has done iui a few times and it hasnt worked for them i have been told not to waste our time and money on all that stuff and go for ivf. We found out that ivf with icsi will be best for us. I think you are making a very smart move going to the U they are so nice and very supportive and helpful!
Lauren,
I have no words of wisdom or any sentence that will ease your pain...my heart breaks for you every time I read your blog. I have no idea the pain you are going through but I wanted to write a quick comment and say that I think you are truly amazing. I hope so much that you are able to find the method that will work. You are in my thoughts every day!
Dearest Lauren,
I just want to say that I have been there. I completely understand your pain, frustration and loss of faith. I can tell you the ONLY thing that kept me from going off the deep end was God and my faith. You have to find it, wherever it may be lurking in your life. You've got to stop belittling yourself. It does no good and probably brings down your whole energy and reduces your ovulation rate! (lol, but really, maybe?) You're absolutely right about crack-heads and other people who appear to be the LAST ones who should be reproducing. But if you can accept that it is just the Lord's way of testing you, His trial just for you and Mike, perhaps it will make it easier to be patient. Lauren I KNOW there is a baby up in heaven for you somewhere. God rewards righteous desires, but He doesn't always give it to you the way, or in the time, that you want.
I know you aren't keen on the idea of adoption, but I just want to plant a true story with you to marinate: My Bishop and his wife tried for eleven years to have kids. They eventually got their little miracle, and could never conceive again after that. They eventually adopted a second child. They are in their 40's and their son just got baptized. I think you need to ask yourself how long you're willing to live with the agony of being childless? Are you willing to wait, possibly, eleven years for a "birth" child? Or would you be happier having a child that maybe was not yours genetically if it meant being able to be a mother sooner? I just want to plant this seed with you as I have a firm testimony of the miracle of adoption.
Next, IUI: forget it, definitely skip that. Also, Dr. Terry is not a fertility specialist? I thought you had been seeing one already. Anyway, this is what I meant when I mentioned it seemed your Dr. wasn't being very aggressive. If and when you find a fertility specialist I would recommend making it very clear just how aggressive you would like them to be with your conception attempts. I got so fed up with our one little pseudo-fertility doctor here, I had to throw in the towel on even trying to conceive. I thought he knew how badly (aka how urgently) I wanted to get pregnant and here he was putting me on "baby-steps" (no pun intended) or rather, the weakest available meds for months on end to get me pregnant. I was flabbergasted. I know all the doctors will start you out "slow" so that you don't conceive with triplets or worse, but in my mind, it was a risk I was willing to take, and it should have been MY call--not the doctor's--and maybe you are too. Again, just hoping you can learn something from my failed attempts (lol). :/
Sorry for the epic length but as you can tell I have very strong opinions and feelings about all of this. Lastly, I would gently encourage you to find peace, in the event you never have a child--NOT that that will happen. But it seems your whole world and your whole happiness in this life depends on that, and maybe THAT is the lesson God wants you to learn. If you can find peace throughout this process it will make it that much less painful. Let the Lord share this burden with you Lauren.
Love you hun!!!
Ruth
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