I had my breakdown...

This month was different than others after learning I wasn’t pregnant. I was really calm and just thought, well maybe next month. Mike even said, “Isn’t it weird that you aren’t more sad that you aren’t pregnant?” Well, then my rage set in, hence my previous post, and on Monday after going into my Dr.’s for an ultrasound (which by the way didn’t work because my bladder wasn’t full enough), I broke. I was already having an awful day and this just added to my frustration. I called Mike bawling about how angry I am that I have to go into the Dr’s office surrounded by happy pregnant women and their husbands or 14 year olds who are obviously not excited about being a mother and be poked and prodded even though I have no baby in site. I feel like I am the black sheep in a waiting room full of women who have what I want and it’s quite overwhelming. To top it off, I went to the bathroom after to change my tampon because I am not pregnant (sorry TMI but I am an open book) and the freaking stall didn’t have a trash can. Seriously, talk about adding insult to injury. It’s not like I want to have to need a trash can in the stall and to not even provide one to us “infertile” people is ridiculous! I came back to work and the rest of the day if I even opened my mouth, tears would start flowing. It was my breaking point and a cry I think I desperately needed.

After my melt down, I woke up Tuesday feeling better. Not great but my day was definitely more manageable. Around 11 my nurse called me to discuss my options now that I am on my 4th cycle of Clomid. Since my progesterone was so high last month, she knows I am ovulating but she wanted to do a follicular study as well as a HCG shot this cycle. What this means is that I will go in for an ultrasound on the 8th day of my cycle and they will measure how big the follicle is and make sure it’s developing correctly. Depending on what they find will determine when I will go in again. Most likely it will be around day 11 and I will go in every day for an ultrasound until my follicle is the size they want it to be. Once this occurs, I will go in for a shot of HCG so the egg can be released within the next 36 hours. My Dr. suggested we do Artificial Insemination at the same time we do the follicular study, but Mike is still hesitant about it and would like to do one round of follicular study to see if we discover anything new before taking the AI step. We are going to go in and talk to my Dr. to see why he suggests AI over trying naturally and will determine then what the right decision will be for us.

Unfortunately or fortunately, Mexico is falling right over “trying” time this month so we can not participate in a follicular study until April. We are going to take a little break and just enjoy our time in Mexico with one another. I am still on Clomid and we will still be “trying” but I am going to try and not stress about it so much this month and just enjoy my vacation with Mike. Who knows, maybe a little relaxation will do the trick!

Also, on another note, I have been awful at responding to my gmail because I haven’t been home at all the past week and gmail is blocked at my office. Please know all of your kind words are greatly appreciated and I will get back to you all as soon as I can. Thank you for the support and well wishes and I hope you all have a great day!