Hell. I swear I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog’s Day where I relive the same heartbreaking news over and over again. This morning I learned I am in for round 4 of Clomid, and I am pretty much done. I think I am numb because it’s just too much to handle right now and while I should be saying “it’s ok, now I can enjoy Mexico” or “just wasn’t time yet” or any of the other cliché things I am supposed to say and think, I can’t because I am too pissed. I am pissed I got my hopes up AGAIN after getting a great read on my progesterone (63 up from 17 with a 95% chance of pregnancy), I am pissed that I have to continue going through this, I am pissed that it’s out of my control, I am pissed I have to flood my body with more hormones that obviously aren’t working and I am pissed at myself for feeling this way. I hate being angry and irritable, I hate feeling like I can’t talk about it or open up because it’s just too raw and I hate that I am jealous of every one that is talking about their pregnancies and babies because it makes me want to burst into tears. This journey is a roller coaster and today it’s the downward hill. I just want to crawl into bed with a big bowl of cookie dough and eat away my feelings. Hopefully tomorrow will be better after the news sets in a bit.
5 comments:
Keep your head up. Yes life with infertilty is a roller coaster and sometimes the ride just isn't that fun. But we have to keep trying one of these rides will be the right one. Good luck and I hope you are having a better day.
I'm so sorry. I HATE that feeling. Getting your hopes crushed month after month is awful. I don't blame you for being angry. INFERTILITY SUCKS.
Hi Lauren, this is so random... but have you considered seeing a medium? I don't know if it's something you've ever done before, but some of the most difficult periods of my life when I feel like I have no control (I'm sort of a control freak...) I've seen a psychic, or medium. It can be comforting even if you take every word with a grain of salt. I tend to believe in spirituality, but not religion, so the mystical side of mediums are really interesting to me. It's something that I've had success with, just thought I'd pass it on... Growing up, I always thought you were SO cool! :) And now, you continue to be an inspiration with your amazing strengths. It saddens me that you're going through such tough time, keep your spirits up! I can't wait to read your "I'm pregnant!" post.
i know the feeling, and also how taboo it feels to open up about infertility. it's okay for everyone to complain about being pregnant, but not okay for anyone to complain about not being pregnant, you know? hang in there and thanks for opening up about it! praying that "your time" comes soon.
Ah man.. I'm so sorry. I hope 4th times's a charm. Hang in there. We loved seeing you guys a couple of weeks ago. Thanks for having us over. You guys are great :)
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