Just not meant to be...

The past few weeks have been so incredible.  From the morning we found out we were expecting, to sharing the news with our friends and family to finally feeling pregnancy symptoms instead of drug-induced symptoms.  We began to feel the excitement of what our lives would be like with our little one finally in it, were starting to look at nursery designs, pack and plays and made a couple of purchases including adorable New Orlean Saints pacifiers.  We were being showered with gifts, cards, well wishes and love and were thrilled to finally be on the journey into parenthood and were enjoying every second of it. 

Tuesday, January 10th started out as a wonderful day.  Mike and I had a first ultrasound and were going to learn if we were having one or two Baby Riccis.  Mike and I both believed I was pregnant with one little girl and were looking forward to getting half of that answer.  We walked into the infertility clinic with huge smiles on our faces, talked about how excited we were to be having our baby in September and thought this would be the last time we would be visiting the U of U Reproductive Center.

We finally got called back to an exam room and Dr. Johnstone came in and gave us a congratulations and started our ultrasound.  She verified that the pregnancy was in the uterus but as she looked further, she began to become concerned.  She had found that there was an amniotic sac, but she was unable to see a yolk sac or an embryo inside of it.  She told us she was worried I had a blighted ovum/anembryonic pregnancy but she wanted us to come back on Friday to verify her speculation. 

Mike and I knowing things didn't look good began asking a lot of questions.  As we spoke to her more, she explained that an anembryonic pregnancy is a pregnancy in which the amniotic sac develops but sometime between implantation and 6 weeks, the embryo quits growing due to chromosomoal issues or the quality of the embryo.  When we asked what our chances are she stated there was less than a 50% chance my pregnancy was healthy and viable and we should begin to prepare for the worst.  We made our next ultrasound appointment and left the clinic attempting to stay optimistic., although in my heart I knew this pregnancy was over and Baby Ricci wasn't ready to join our family just yet.  Earlier in the week I had actually started feeling differently physically and was worried something was wrong because I wasn't sick, and wasn't having the same pregnancy symptoms I had the week before.  Since I had never been pregnant before I just decided I was overreacting and tried to believe I was going to be one of the lucky women who didn't have horrible morning sickness and tried to keep a positive outlook.  I guess I should have listened to my woman's intuition. 

As we left the appointment and I tried to wrap my head around everything that was happening, I just lost it.  I was numb, sad, angry and completely bewildered.   How could such happiness come to an end so abruptly and why was yet another heartache happening to us?  A thousand questions started running through my head such as, had we done something wrong?, how were we going to tell everyone we had lost our baby?, and how would our hearts ever heal?  It was just something we never expected...

Friday the 13th we went in for our second ultrasound and Dr. Hammoud verified what we already knew; this was an anembryonic pregnancy.  He shared that the embryo had quit growing at about 5 weeks and we would need to induce a miscarriage.  Due to a trip to Tobago we were leaving for on Saturday, we decided to do a D&C so we wouldn't be waiting to pass the pregnancy and risk ending up in a Tobagan hospital.  I underwent the procedure yesterday morning and while I am physically doing ok, my heart aches for this baby we already loved so much. 

Right now we are still trying to come to terms with everything that has just happened and change our frame of mind from new parents, to parents who just endured a miscarriage.  We decided to have some genetic testing done and hopefully find out why this happened and what we can do to avoid it happening again in the future.  We are also going to take a break from IVF for a bit and plan to start back up in April/May.  It's hard to know that Baby Ricci is still so far away but we have faith in this baby and know they are stubborn and will come when they are ready.  I just wish it was sooner than later.

While this experience has been the most difficult thing we have ever been through, I have been humbled by the entire experience and am extremely grateful for the amazing friends and family we have.  While this has been the most trying time of my life, I know we will get through it due to the amazing support we have and I feel so blessed that Mike, Baby Ricci and I are so overly loved.  When Baby Ricci does come, they truly will be a miracle and will bring so much joy and fulfillment to so many lives and for that, this baby is truly worth waiting for...

"We acquire the strength of that which we have overcome..."- Ralph Waldo Emerson