Trial and Error...

After a long 21 days, 5 Clomid pills and lots of anxiety, I went in for some blood work. I received a call from my PA yesterday, who gave me the news that while the Clomid changed my ovulation date, it did not increase my progesterone level as they had hoped What this means is that I have about the same chance of getting pregnant this cycle as I did without the Clomid and that on day 5 of next month's cycle I will be increased to 100 mgs or 2 pills a day.

This was frustrating news because I feel as though I just wasted another month of trying, tracking and hoping and I am now once again playing the waiting game. I am not a very patient person and I like to have control of everything so it kills me to no end that this is not something I can control. Instead it's an endless cycle of trial and error until something finally happens. I guess a baby Ricci will not be arriving September 2011 as I was desperately wishing for. Hoping this New Year will bring us our little miracle. We haven't given up faith yet...

All I want for Christmas...

All I want for Christmas is the miracle of motherhood and to be able to open my heart to this child whom I already deeply love. We are waiting for you baby Ricci, as patiently as we can.

Infertility is not for the faint of heart.

My good friend Jill and I were talking this afternoon about what my treatment schedule this week is. It made me start thinking about how much we as women will do to have a child and the pain, frustration and time it takes if your body doesn’t work properly. This is kind of a “time line” of what I have had to and what I may have to do to become a mom.

First off, in order to be considered “infertile” you have to have tried for at least 12 months if you are under the age of 35. This means 12 heartbreaks, 12 really unwanted periods and 12 hopes shattered before you can even begin doing something about it. The only thing you can really do is go to the internet for advice, where you become inundated with information about TTC, Basal Body Temperature, cervical fluid, cervix size and position, ovulation, charting, as well as a million abbreviations you are not familiar with. Trust me, it’s quite overwhelming.

In my case, I was referred a book called Taking Charge of Your Fertility late in my infertility game. This book finally clarified what all the talk about temperature, cervical fluid and everything in between is. It made me feel empowered to have the knowledge so I started charting. The charting is annoying though because you have to take your temperature at the same time every morning. So on the weekends you have to get up early and before you can even get up to pee, you have to put a thermometer in your mouth and wait for the beep. Then, you have to remember what your temp is so you can add it to your chart and then figure out what your “coverline” and peak days are. Not to mention you have to track your cervical fluid 4 times a day, which is really not the most pleasant of all things.

When you are finally deemed “infertile” you then have to undergo a lot of blood work, pelvic exams, shots, tests and a lot of trial and error. If they suspect your fallopian tubes are blocked, you may have to undergo a test called a hysterosalpingogram where they inject radiographic contrast (dye) into your uterine cavity. This allows Dr.s to see if there is a blockage in your fallopian tubes and determine the next step in treatment. Luckily I have yet to go through this test but a good friend of mine who is also dealing with infertility did, and she said it was incredibly painful and did nothing to help in her struggle.

After you are poked and prodded, you are then given the pleasure of medication, most likely Clomid or Femara. With Clomid, you take it on the 5th day of your first normal day of your cycle or the second day of spotting. You then have to remember to start your pill on the 5th day of your cycle, all while charting and tracking your CF. On day 10 you then have to start “trying” every other day for 10 days. This turns your lovemaking into babymaking, which is not nearly as romantic. Finally on day 21 you get to have your blood drawn on so you can have your progesterone levels tested to see if the Clomid even worked. If your progesterone level is not elevated it means you did not ovulate and you are in for an increased dose of Clomid. If your progesterone is elevated than it means you ovulated, but doesn’t necessarily mean you conceived. Instead you are in for another 8-14 day wait to see if your period starts. If it does start, you get to begin the entire process over again. If it doesn’t and your pregnancy test is negative, you get to take a 10 day progesterone pill to “jumpstart” your cycle and wait 2 weeks to see if that works. If a period still has yet to start, you get to have a progesterone shot, which is quite painful and uncomfortable, and wait again to start the whole process over. Not to mention during all of this you get to experience the lovely side effects of Clomid.

Now after 6 months and increased dosages of Clomid, if you still have not conceived it’s time to move on to the next step... Artificial Insemination. This is even MORE romantic than Clomid sex. AI is a procedure in which sperm is inserted directly into a woman’s cervix, fallopian tubes or uterus to make the distance the sperm have to swim shorter. Although I haven’t undergone this treatment, I can imagine how awkward and potentially painful it is. Not to mention it’s something that is very time sensitive so for busy people like us, it's difficult to time.

If AI doesn't work you are then in for IVF. In Vitro Fertilization or IVF is the crème de la crème in fertility treatments. The first step of this process is to inject yourself with hormones daily in order to produce multiple eggs each month instead of just one. You then get tested to determine whether your eggs are ready for retrieval. Now time is of the essence in IVF and you have to undergo ultrasounds and blood tests to make sure the eggs are ready because if they are taken out too early or too late, they will not develop properly. If they are ready you then have to go through egg retrieval surgery which requres you to go under anesthesia. During the procedure the Dr. locates follicles and removes the eggs with a hollow needle. Your eggs are then mixed with your partners sperm and monitored for fertilization. Once the embryos are ready, you get to go BACK in and have a catheter inserted into your uterus so the embryos can be deposited. After the procedure you have to stay in bed for 4-6 hours and may have a lot of pain associated with it. You then get to wait another 2-3 weeks to see if IVF took.

All of these treatment options can take years to complete and can cost quite a lot of money. The average cost for one round of IVF is $13,000 and the success rate is only 25%. This doesn’t include all of the dr. visits, medications, time and energy you have sunk into trying to have a baby. Couples can go into debt $100,000+ and still be left without a child, which is so infuriating. If all of these avenues are tried and they don’t result in pregnancy, chances are you can not become pregnant and you will need to begin looking into surrogacy or adoption. Both of these are also expensive options and the wait can be quite long.

So, in conclusion, infertility is not for the faint of heart. It’s devastating, expensive, painful, time consuming, annoying and every other emotion in between and people who don't deal with it don't understand how difficult the journey is. As painful and frustrating it is, I keep telling myself it will all be worth it though when I do become pregnant and feel my baby kick, or when I get to rock my own child to sleep. The things us women go through to become moms and the love we feel for something that is not even on it’s way yet is incredible. Love and the longing to become a mother is one amazing thing and I would go through every single one of these treatments 10 times if it resulted in the fulfilling of my one and only dream. It's just quite a lot to go through with no guarantee. I am trying to keep faith though...

So Far, No Crazy.

I am on my third day of pills and to my amazement, the crazy has yet to kick in. I think I hyped up the clomid in my mind so much that I thought the second I took the first one I would turn into Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. The only real side effect I have had so far is major hot flashes. I have never experienced a hot flash until yesterday, but boy are they uncomfortable! If this is the only side effect I see though, I promise not to complain.

Also, thanks for all your support on this blog. I think Mike and my mom thought I was a little crazy for starting such a candid blog and for being so honest but it has made the days go by much quicker and allowed me to get a lot off my chest.

Happy Wednesday everyone!

What is Clomid?

Before we began “trying” I had heard a lot about Clomid and everything I heard was really scary. People told me how crazy they became on it, what all the symptoms of the drug were and I knew of 5 people who had taken it and ended up with twins. Mike also heard all this information, both first hand and from me, and is COMPLETELY terrified by it. It wasn’t until we visited with our fertility Dr. that both of us began to understand the side effects and how the drug truly works. I began my first round of Clomid this morning and Mike and I are both really nervous about how it will affect me, but we know the short-term consequences are well worth the long-term gain.

Since many don’t know that much about Clomid, I thought I would share what I know.

Clomid is the most commonly used fertility drug and is used for both male and female fertility problems. 25% of females who struggle with infertility have trouble with ovulation, by either ovulating early, late or not ovulating at all. Clomid is a pill you take on day 5 of your cycle for 5 days, and is supposed to induce ovulation around day 14. The most common dose is 50mg, but you can take up to 150mg with your Dr.’s approval.

Clomid works by helping the ovary develop an egg follicle by increasing the Follicle Stimulating Hormone (a hormone released from the pituitary gland in the brain that stimulates an egg follicle to grow each month) and the Luteinizing Hormone (a hormone that works with the FSH hormone to recruit and stimulate an egg follicle to grow each month). Basically, when an ovary makes an egg, it will send an estrogen hormone to the brain telling it to quit releasing FSH and LH hormones. The Clomid essentially tricks the brain into thinking you have less estrogen than you do by blocking the estrogen hormone from reaching the brain. This allows your body to make more follicles and increases your chances of releasing an egg.

The symptoms of Clomid include but are not limited to, hot flashes, bloating and abdominal discomfort, weight gain, mood swings, nausea, dizziness, headaches, abnormal menstrual bleeding, breast tenderness and change in cervical fluid. Another side effect of Clomid is the risk of multiple births. Your chances of having twins while using Clomid is 10%, while the risk of triplets or more is only 1%.

Clomid will “jumpstart” ovulation in 80% of patients and 45% of women on Clomid will get pregnant within 6 cycles of use. If you do not get pregnant within 6 cycles, it usually means Clomid will not work and it is time to move to alternative methods.

Sorry for the biology lesson! I just think it’s all pretty interesting.

Top 11...

Top 11 WORST things to say to someone who is struggling with infertility. I have heard all of them!

-“It will happen when it is supposed to.”

- “Why are you in such a hurry? You are still so young!” or “You are only 25, you still have plenty of time”

-“Are you pregnant?” or “Are you finally pregnant?”

-“Stop trying, relax and it will happen.”

-“Adopt a baby, then you will for sure get pregnant!”

- “Take my kids, then you won’t want any!”

- “Don’t be sad, it will happen.”

-“Maybe you are doing it wrong.”

-“At least you are having fun trying.”

-“Stop being so stressed and busy and it will happen.”

- “I didn’t share my pregnancy with you because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings”

The Countdown...

After a very painful shot of progesterone and the inability to sit or walk normally for three days, the countdown to Clomid finally begins. Nervous about how it will affect me, but so glad we are able to take the next step.

Looking forward to Monday and learning if my fears of this drug were really warranted. I will keep you posted on the side effects.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Blogstalking Welcome!

This blog is very personal but part of the reason I decided to write it is because I know there are so many people out there who are dealing with the same thoughts, emotions and pain. I have always been an open book when it comes to difficult things because I have always dealt with things better if I can get them off my chest. Even after my dad died, I was always open about the fact that he committed suicide, what his last words to me were and how I felt about his decision. While his death was the moment that changed my life forever and is still hard to understand, I didn't make him choose to take his own life and I couldn't have stopped him. His death was not my fault and me making excuses for him or not talking about what really happened doesn't do anything but hurt me more. (sorry about the tangent)

Anyway, at first I was embarassed about the fact I wasn't getting pregnant on my own, but now I realize it's nothing to be ashamed of and it's nothing I can control. If I had cancer or any other sort of disease, I would be open about that because I would want and need the support of family and friends. While infertility isn't life-threatening, it is emotionally draining, extremely lonely and painful and I wish it wasn't such a taboo subject.

So, I welcome any and all blogstalkers to share in our journey. I would love to know who reads this blog and completely appreciate comments, suggestions and personal stories from others going that are either going through the same thing, or know someone who is. If you want to ask me personal questions or don't want to comment on my blog, you can always email me at Lauren.Ricci@fmr.com. I loved getting comments from tons of different people when I initially opened up about my fertility problems and realizing how many others were facing these same circumstances. It helped validate my emotions and I felt so humbled that I wasn't alone in this struggle.

I hope you all enjoy reading this and can take something away from it. This blog isn't here to make you feel sorry for me or to have a personal pity party, it's to share my thoughts and document how I feel, while hopefully helping others. Support is always the best kind of therapy!

I leave you with this passage from another woman who is struggling with infertility...

When others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.

Some Sound Advice...

I got some advice about 6 months ago from a friend I will keep nameless. He could sense I was having a tough day and asked how I was doing. We then began talking about everything and I proceeded to tell him that my fear is that I will never get to experience the magic of pregnancy. He said ever so simply, "I have never heard anyone complain about how their child got here. You will have a child whether you have one naturally, use fertility medication, use a surrogate or adopt. You will be a mom and it won't matter how they came to be in your family, you will love them just the same." Whether he knows it or not, this is the best advice I have received and opened my mind to exploring all options.

Thanks for always being such an amazing friend.

Silver Linings...

As much as I would like to bitch and moan and have a “woe is me” type of day, I decided to take this opportunity to list my “silver linings” of my infertility problems…

-This experience has strengthened mine and Mike’s relationship, as well as helped us grow as individuals.

- The time has allowed Mike and I to watch other parents and have conversations about how we want to raise our own child.

-We have been able to start a baby savings fund thanks to my Sharing Place position; one that will allow me to splurge on a Petunia Picklebottom bag, cute baby clothes, blankets, nursery bedding and baby furniture.

-We have been able to get settled in our house, purchase furniture, decorate/redecorate and turn it into a home.

-I have figured out who our true friends are and have gained an enormous support system.

-We have eliminated all the unnecessary drama because there are other more important things in life.

- I have learned what to say and what not to say to people going through a variety of hardships.

- We have been able to pay off both our cars and are so close to paying off our second mortgage on our rental home. We feel much more financially secure than we did two years ago.

-I have been able to find a job I truly love, which has made this wait a bit more bearable.

-I have been incredibly lucky to strengthen relationships with friends who are there anytime I need them, let me vent and understand if I cry.

-I have come to appreciate Annie, Rachel, Aubz, Jill, Jessica, The Coons (all of them), Mike, Brittney, My Sharing Place team and everyone else who has given me good advice or has just been a listening ear.

-Annie and Aubz have allowed me to fill my void with visits and playdates with their adorable kids. It makes it just a little easier.

-I have learned the lesson of patience and have learned not to be such a control freak because I can’t control everything.

-I have been able to connect with old high school friends who have given amazing advice and who are so kind.

-I have relearned that talking about difficult experiences doesn’t make it harder, it frees your soul.

-This child, no matter how it gets here, is going to be incredibly loved and we are going to appreciate the gift of parenthood so much more.

-It has humbled us.

-It has given my mom time to pick out a “grandma” name. It’s going to be Mimi.

-It has allowed us some very fun trips to NOLA, AZ, Hawaii, Alaska, Cancun and Florida.

-It has made me stronger, more open, more loving, more forgiving and more appreciative of life.

-It has connected me with people all over the country, both strangers, acquaintances and friends, who are dealing with the same thing who I never would have known without writing about it.

-It has allowed me to design my nursery a thousand times.

-It has reignited my love for writing.

-Mike has become more loving, empathetic and supportive.

-It has made me more passionate, trusting and knocked down a few of my walls.

-It has reminded me what emotion is and that it is OK to cry.

While this situation is devastating to me, there are a lot of things this hardship has done for Mike and I. I feel completely blessed that I have the support I do, that I have the strength to endure it and the love to catch me when I fall.

"The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you, if you do not let it get the best of you." -Will Rogers

Where We Are and How We Got Here...

Anyone who knows me knows that my love of children was engrained in me from birth. Since I can remember, any time there were family parties or a chance to babysit, I would be there in a heartbeat. I became known as “the baby stealer” at Seegmiller reunions and Thanksgivings because if there was a baby to hold, I was probably the one holding it, or attempting to. Since I didn’t have my own nieces and nephews, I quickly adopted Jonas, Cairo and Mesa as my own (thanks Sariah!) and grew a great relationship with my younger cousin Taylor. When Mike came into my life, he quickly realized my love for children and knew if babies or kids were around, he probably wasn’t going to get my full attention.

Although I couldn’t wait to have a child of my own, Mike and I decided it was best if we waited a few years to start our own family. We wanted to get to know each other and enjoy our “us” time and be able to travel the world. Mike also wanted to apply to Harvard so we wanted to make sure we could leave if he got in. When we got the news that he had not been accepted, our life path changed, we bought a house and decided to start our family. I removed my IUD in May, 2009 and my dream of becoming a mom suddenly seemed so close.

About 6 months into “trying”, I knew something was off and began doing some research. I started tracking my cycle, doing ovulation test strips and reading a lot. After doing test strips for 2 months straight, I began to think they didn’t work. On the last day of my 20 day pack, the ovulation test strip FINALLY changed, and that is how I realized I ovulated WAY later than a normal person does. Still, I didn’t get too worried and began timing our “trying” at different times. When 6 months passed and still no pregnancy to announce, I decided to go to a fertility specialist. He did some blood tests and came to the conclusion that I don’t ovulate regularly and my chances of getting pregnant naturally were about 5%, rather than the typical 35-40%. My Dr. suggested starting me on Clomid, but I wasn’t ready to admit that I couldn’t do this myself. It made me feel like less of a woman; like I was failing.

That Dr’s appointment was in April, 2010. It has taken me 8 months of reading, charting, taking my temperature, acupuncture, watching my cervical fluid and doing everything else I can possibly think of or that has been suggested to me for me to swallow my pride and take the plunge into the infertility unknown. I am finally ready to DO something and I am going full steam ahead.

UNFORTUNATELY, my body had a DIFFERENT plan. In taking my temperature I learned I have not ovulated since August and I began playing the waiting game. I waited for my temperature to spike meaning I had ovulated, I waited for my cycle to begin so I could start the Clomid, and when none of that happened, I had a small ounce of hope that morning sickness or sore breasts would come. After another long four months I finally called my Dr. and was placed on a ten day progesterone pill to “jump start” my cycle. After 10 days of progesterone pills and another 10 days of waiting I was still in the same place I had been for 4 months. I made an appointment with my Dr. and went in yesterday. He ran another blood panel to make sure I wasn’t pregnant (which I knew I wasn’t) and when that came back negative, I was given a shot of progesterone (something I was NOT adequately prepared for considering it was not just a normal shot in the arm).

So, now after a long 19 months of waiting, I wait again and pray that my body will decide to cooperate. I have never wished for a period so much in all my life. It really is a cruel thing that after being so prideful and adamant that I was not going to begin Clomid, the second I make the choice to begin it, my body chooses something else. It’s difficult to keep my head high when I keep getting faced with more frustrations and circumstances out of my control, but I have to keep the faith that this all is happening for some reason and a baby will join our family sooner or later. At least that’s what I continue to tell myself so I can sleep at night.

So, here is to the waiting game again and just another chapter in our crazy journey. I really hope the wait goes quickly and this new treatment works so I can begin the next step. Patience truly is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn…

Welcome...

After 19 long months of waiting, another trip to a fertility specialist and an additional negative pregnancy test, we have finally made the difficult decision to begin fertility treatments.

This blog aims to share the story of our real life, non-conventional path to parenthood with all the goods, bads, shots, hormones, laughs and tears in between. We look forward to the hope these treatments bring and for the time when Baby Ricci finally gets to join our family. In the meantime, we hope this will serve as a place where we (or I) can share the hardships we endure, the things we didn't know, our feelings, experiences, thoughts, fears and hopefully an announcement sooner than later. Thank-you for joining us as we venture into the unknown and for your countless prayers and support. I am sure we are in for a bumpy ride.