Thoughts on Becoming a Mother...

I saw this passage and it encapsulated much of what I feel, although I must preface it with I do not think I will be a "better" mother than anyone else out there. I know some incredible moms and I will be lucky to be half the women they are, so please do not think that I don't respect and admire the mothers you are or think that you are not amazing because you did not deal with infertility. Many women go through infertility and are still not the kind of mom I wish to be and I believe it is as much about the individual as the experiences that shape them as people and help them grow. What really spoke to me about this passage was the description of heartache and pain that I have experienced. I truly believe it has strengthened me and I believe I will appreciate every second I have with my child because I have pined for them for so long. As difficult as this jouney have been, I am grateful for the wisdom I have learned as I have endured this trial and for the friends who have stood beside me every step of the way.

"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or becase I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.
I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort.
I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.
I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard.
I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother."

-unknown