An "it's not fair" kind of day...

Today as I looked down at all my syringes and dealt with the feelings of nausea and cramping due to my Lupron, I began to have a “this isn’t fair” kind of day. While I should be counting my blessings that I have a husband who is not only involved, but is compassionate, caring and willing to do all he needs to bring baby Ricci here, that I have amazing insurance that is not only paying for everything, but is navigating all of the hoops and hurdles for me and that I have some incredible girlfriends who want a child for us as much as we do, today isn’t one of those days. It’s not fair that I have to endure all the signs of pregnancy without any of the benefit, that this process is so much more involved than I could have ever imagined, that I have to answer “not yet” when asked if we have children, that I have to pine over baby clothes and nursery designs for a child I may never have, that I have to hear people bitch and complain about their pregnancy I so deperately wish for and that our sex life and my inability to conceive a child has been opened up not only to Dr.’s and nurses, but to family, friends, co-workers and strangers. I don’t understand what I did to deserve the anguish and pain that comes along with this condition and while I say I am doing fine and I am dealing with it, the truth is, I am only dealing with it as much as someone with a broken heart can. I am trying to stay positive now that we are on the IVF route but truth be told, I have this incredible fear that this isn’t going to work and my final option is going to be taken away from me and we will have to begin the conversations about surrogacy and adoption. I am petrified to make it to that point and while I don’t want infertility to define me, it’s dictating my entire life, causing me to lose trust and is crushing my soul. I have a RESOLVE group tonight and it couldn’t come at a more needed time. Support in this journey is crucial and I am hoping I hear some things tonight from other women who are struggling that will get me through the next 4 weeks and 50+ shots. Some cookie dough, my sweats, my shows and a cozy blanket may help as well…