Some Answers...

Last Friday I went in for my Hysterosalpingogram or more easily described as the dreaded HSG test. This test is performed by inserting a catheter type tube into your uterus and injecting contrast (dye) into your uterus and fallopian tubes to check for blockages and any other abnormalities using X-Rays. While all the medical personnel I spoke with said it wasn’t painful and that it feels like a normal pelvic exam, this was FAR from the truth. It was incredibly painful, scary and it is nothing I ever want to do again. The cramping itself only lasted about 15 minutes while the procedure was being done, but it was the worst cramps I have ever experienced.

I am really lucky to have Annie as my friend and support. She came with me to the procedure, since Mike had to work, and it was so wonderful to have her there and hold my hand. Mike and I even talked about how it was better she was there than him because she was such an amazing support. She is a big part of the reason I was able to get through the pain, asked questions I never would have thought to ask, and remembered everything I couldn’t focus on after the test. The PA allowed me to look at the X-Rays right away and was initially concerned that I may have a bicornuate uterus (heart-shaped), which is a uterine malformation where two “horns” form at the upper part of the uterus.

Picture of a "normal" uterus

Picture of Mine

Notice the Heart Shape

This is concerning because it can cause miscarriages, pre-term birth and most babies born from one are breech and require a cesarean. There is also only a 60% chance of delivering a live baby due to the high-risk of the pregnancy. This scared me because I was worried I was doing Clomid and my body wasn’t allowing an egg to implant and I was either going to have to skip straight to In-Vitro or was going to be told I couldn’t conceive. Annie helped me sort through my emotions after learning I could have a bicornuate uterus and helped me stay calm after hearing those results. Having her in my life has been huge in maintaining a positive attitude and getting through all of these setbacks and I don’t know how I became so blessed to call her my friend. She truly is incredible!

While I knew something was wrong with my uterine cavity, I didn’t want to freak out too much until I talked to Dr. Terry. I wasn’t positive it was bicornuate and I didn’t want to stress myself more than necessary during our “trying” time. The results weren’t ready for 48 hours and Dr. Terry was out until yesterday, so I tried to keep as much of a positive attitude as possible until he could go over the results.

I finally talked to his nurse last night and she diagnosed me with an arcuate uterus, which is still an abnormality, but not as severe. It can still cause miscarriages, contribute to infertility and cause pre-term labor, but the risks aren’t as high. Dr. Terry was confident I could still get pregnant and this wouldn’t factor into my fertility too much. He wants me to do one more round of Clomid and if I am not pregnant after Mexico, we will begin Artificial Insemination and Follicle testing.

While these aren’t the best results, they could be much worse and I am glad me and Dr. Terry are on the same page about the next steps in my fertility journey. I look forward to enjoying our time in Mexico and hopefully coming home with a Baby Ricci. If not, I am glad there is a new option in our near future. Now onto another few weeks of waiting and another month of being a pincushion!

Onto Round Three...

After another unsuccessful round of Clomid, we are onto round three and month 22. I have asked my Dr. to increase my dose to 100 mg, due to no change in my ovulatory predictor kits and the length of my cycle still being from 31-35 days. Not sure if this increased dose will change my side effects but we are ready for whatever the new month will bring, hormones, hot flashes, craziness and all!

I am going to see a fertility acupuncturist tonight and will begin my third round of Clomid on Sunday. I am also hoping to get in to see an endocrinologist in the next month and have a Hysterosalpingogramam, a procedure where they shoot dye into the fallopian tubes to determine if the fallopian tubes are open or blocked. I am unsure why all the Dr.’s I have seen have yet to do this test but in talking with a few of my friends who also struggled with getting pregnant, this was one of the first tests they had done. We are optimistic that all of this combined will bring us a baby Ricci, and if not, maybe a few more answers. Here’s to yet another month of trial and error and a lot of hope. I may just need some extra TLC, some comfort food and a massage to get through it. Good thing it's birthday month!

resolve...

Today I was over it and at the end of my rope. My emotions were choking me and I needed to do something otherwise I was going to lose it. I came home from a long day at work to my loving husband and while he made me dinner, I googled infertility support groups. As if my prayers had been answered, I learned that the National Infertility Association resolve is opening a chapter in Utah and are also starting a peer-led support group. I am all about support groups considering that is what Sharing Place is and I feel so relieved to have a place of my own I can go and talk about my deepest and most raw emotions and have people actually get it and not judge how I am feeling. Groups are offered the second Wednesday of the month at the downtown library for free and I can't wait until the first one.

After learning about RESOLVE, something I had never heard of before, I decided to take some time to read their website. There is a TON of awesome and enlightening information on there and it's as if someone stole my emotions straight from my soul and put the words to them they so desperately needed. I am sure http://www.resolve.org/ is going to be my new favorite website and I am excited to read all the information they have on there. The article that really caught my attention was this one... Infertility Etiquette. Here is the opening paragraph that brought me to tears because it's so painfully accurate.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

You can read the rest of the article HERE. It discusses the pain an infertile couple feels and things to say and not to say. I really appreciated the article's references to grief after a death vs. grief during infertility because I have really struggled with the differences between the two. While they may not be the same, they are both valid and it's completely appropriate and probably necessary to grieve the void infertility creates.

This is exactly what I needed tonight and I look forward to learning more and becoming a part of a support group. I am also visiting a fertility acupuncturist this week so I will let you know how that goes. I guess just a few more steps in our journey :)

Round Two Done!

I just finished my second round of Clomid and this cycle was a breeze! Absolutely no hot flashes, craziness or the insatiable need to kill someone, unless you count my rant on horoscopes. It was probably good Mike was out of town and that I was sick for a week straight, otherwise I may be telling a different story. Either way I feel really lucky to be one of the few that doesn't have the emotional side effects and wish everyone going through infertility could have the same experience. I am unsure if my body was used to the hormone or if taking it day three helped but if every round is like this, I could do this for years! Here's to hoping this round works and if not, that every round after will be this easy! Have a great day!

Current Plea...

Since I was 15 I have jotted down baby names in my diary and as soon as Mike and I became engaged, I started telling him names as a way to fill my baby void. For the first few years he was adament that he would not talk to me about names because we were nowhere near that stage in our lives. Since we have decided to have a baby, we (or I) talk about names all the time since it is the only thing we (or I) can really control. Due to our last name being so Italian, we have had a difficult time finding names that "flow" but we have narrowed it down to a few names we hopefully will be able to use soon. The most difficult thing about this all though has been timing. We have had names picked out for almost 2 years and with every family or friends' babies that are born, names on our list get used and I constantly fear that by the time we have a child, none of the names we love will be left. I think this part is just as frustrating as not having a baby to name so here is my current plea...

Dear God, please continue to bless my friends and family with babies but also bless them with adorable names that are different than the names we want to use for baby Ricci. If that is too much to ask, please bless me with some new names that I will love. Thank you in advance! :)

I feel a little weird sharing our fave names because I am a bit superstitious but I have shared everything else regarding my journey, so here they are! At least names are a fun thing to talk about. If you have any names you want to suggest, I would love to hear them!

Girls

(no idea what middle name will be)

*Avella (uh-vell-uh)

*Siena

Sien

Emrie

Averie

Giuliana

Giada

Boys

(middle name Vincent)

*Parker

Noah

Caleb

Brecken

Hudson

Luca

Collier

Cambridge

The starred names are our current faves. Can't wait until I can finally stop calling this non-existent pregnancy an actual name! I think I have finally officially lost it. Who not only picks names before they are pregnant, but actually shares them? Maybe it's time to have me committed. :)

PS, I have been hearing about the change in astrological signs all week on Facebook and it's been irritating the hell out of me. I really wish that the changing astrological signs was currently my biggest worry in my life. Sorry, I think that's my Clomid talking. Just ignore me.

"She had wanted to be a mother and share a love divine"

Newest favorite quote.

Round Two...

After one hellish week between Mike being gone, getting food poisoning, having yet another negative pregnancy test, starting my cycle and catching a cold/cough, I will be ending my week with round two of Clomid. My new Dr. wants me to take the pills day 3-7 instead of 5-10, so I am unsure if this will change any of my side effects, but I am hoping it doesn't. Now I am just gearing up for another week of hot flashes, nausea, fatigue and maybe a dash of craziness. At least Mike will be home tomorrow night, the house is clean thanks to Miss Marilyn and we both have Monday off. I just need to remember to breathe, that Mike is on my side and that the temporary pain and frustration is worth it for baby Ricci. Please cross your fingers that the new year will bring some new luck and that this is an easy round. Your thoughts, prayers and good vibes are what keep me going! That and hearing things like this...

spent a cherished evening with Miss Sawyer last night. Dinner time, bath time, cuddle and story time, then we fell asleep together at bedtime. What an amazing little girl....

Just picked my princess up from preschool and the kids and I are enjoying a picnic in the living room followed by ice cream sundaes. I love being a mom.

So grateful for my kids...love the way they can make me laugh, they are hilarious!

I just finished my make-up and my 3 year old boy says "Mom you're a girl now". I asked him if I was a girl before my make-up and he told me no.

Can't get enough of my Ky sometimes! He came down the hall in his diaper with my slippers on his feet...it was so adorable! Why does he have to grow up so fast?!

and ESPECIALLY this one...

The girls are so excited to welcome another little member to the family and we ALL can't wait to meet this little one whom we have waited a little EXTRA long for :-D

Thanks to some of my dearest friends for letting me steal your posts. These words and stories remind me how incredible the gift of motherhood truly is and not to give up because I will someday be experiencing these same priceless moments.