I had my breakdown...

This month was different than others after learning I wasn’t pregnant. I was really calm and just thought, well maybe next month. Mike even said, “Isn’t it weird that you aren’t more sad that you aren’t pregnant?” Well, then my rage set in, hence my previous post, and on Monday after going into my Dr.’s for an ultrasound (which by the way didn’t work because my bladder wasn’t full enough), I broke. I was already having an awful day and this just added to my frustration. I called Mike bawling about how angry I am that I have to go into the Dr’s office surrounded by happy pregnant women and their husbands or 14 year olds who are obviously not excited about being a mother and be poked and prodded even though I have no baby in site. I feel like I am the black sheep in a waiting room full of women who have what I want and it’s quite overwhelming. To top it off, I went to the bathroom after to change my tampon because I am not pregnant (sorry TMI but I am an open book) and the freaking stall didn’t have a trash can. Seriously, talk about adding insult to injury. It’s not like I want to have to need a trash can in the stall and to not even provide one to us “infertile” people is ridiculous! I came back to work and the rest of the day if I even opened my mouth, tears would start flowing. It was my breaking point and a cry I think I desperately needed.

After my melt down, I woke up Tuesday feeling better. Not great but my day was definitely more manageable. Around 11 my nurse called me to discuss my options now that I am on my 4th cycle of Clomid. Since my progesterone was so high last month, she knows I am ovulating but she wanted to do a follicular study as well as a HCG shot this cycle. What this means is that I will go in for an ultrasound on the 8th day of my cycle and they will measure how big the follicle is and make sure it’s developing correctly. Depending on what they find will determine when I will go in again. Most likely it will be around day 11 and I will go in every day for an ultrasound until my follicle is the size they want it to be. Once this occurs, I will go in for a shot of HCG so the egg can be released within the next 36 hours. My Dr. suggested we do Artificial Insemination at the same time we do the follicular study, but Mike is still hesitant about it and would like to do one round of follicular study to see if we discover anything new before taking the AI step. We are going to go in and talk to my Dr. to see why he suggests AI over trying naturally and will determine then what the right decision will be for us.

Unfortunately or fortunately, Mexico is falling right over “trying” time this month so we can not participate in a follicular study until April. We are going to take a little break and just enjoy our time in Mexico with one another. I am still on Clomid and we will still be “trying” but I am going to try and not stress about it so much this month and just enjoy my vacation with Mike. Who knows, maybe a little relaxation will do the trick!

Also, on another note, I have been awful at responding to my gmail because I haven’t been home at all the past week and gmail is blocked at my office. Please know all of your kind words are greatly appreciated and I will get back to you all as soon as I can. Thank you for the support and well wishes and I hope you all have a great day!

Just another day in...

Hell. I swear I feel like I am living in the movie Groundhog’s Day where I relive the same heartbreaking news over and over again. This morning I learned I am in for round 4 of Clomid, and I am pretty much done. I think I am numb because it’s just too much to handle right now and while I should be saying “it’s ok, now I can enjoy Mexico” or “just wasn’t time yet” or any of the other cliché things I am supposed to say and think, I can’t because I am too pissed. I am pissed I got my hopes up AGAIN after getting a great read on my progesterone (63 up from 17 with a 95% chance of pregnancy), I am pissed that I have to continue going through this, I am pissed that it’s out of my control, I am pissed I have to flood my body with more hormones that obviously aren’t working and I am pissed at myself for feeling this way. I hate being angry and irritable, I hate feeling like I can’t talk about it or open up because it’s just too raw and I hate that I am jealous of every one that is talking about their pregnancies and babies because it makes me want to burst into tears. This journey is a roller coaster and today it’s the downward hill. I just want to crawl into bed with a big bowl of cookie dough and eat away my feelings. Hopefully tomorrow will be better after the news sets in a bit.

Thank you!

Last week Mike and I had the honor of being interviewed by channel 4 news in order to spotlight infertility in Utah. We were given this opportunity thanks to my friend Mary, who has been following my blog and our story since I opened up about our journey. I am pretty open about our struggles, as you all know, but I was still nervous to talk about it on a news broadcast and share our story with the entire Salt Lake Valley. Anytime you bear your soul, it’s nerve-racking and you never know what the response of others will be. I feel very blessed that everyone around us was incredibly supportive and I wanted to thanks all the strangers out there who saw us on channel 4 and sent their love, stories and encouragement. It really meant a lot to know we are not in this roller coaster of a ride alone and that we have so much support and wonderful people behind us. I loved receiving all of your messages about your success stories, your own hardships and knowing that we are not the only couple out there experiencing these feelings and living day to day with a hole in our hearts and a wound in our chest. Knowing there are others out there who have gone through this pain and succeeded, or who are still enduring it and are willing to be a support, makes this heartbreak just a little easier to bear and we truly appreciate everyone’s kind words. Below is our interview, as well as another clip about infertility support here in Utah.

Infertility in Utah

Infertility Support in Utah

Unfortunately, we were greeted with some negative feedback, which made me really sad. We were criticized because we haven’t been trying long enough, and therefore have not suffered enough, and were also told we were selfish because we wanted to have our own child instead of adopting. These kind of comments are what make the infertility struggle so lonely and taboo, because the people who should understand the most and be there for other infertile couples are some of the people who are the harshest. I can’t even BEGIN to imagine the pain and financial hardship one goes through who has been trying 5, 10 or even 15 years and it was something we discussed in the interview that didn’t air. My heart and prayers truly go out to each and everyone who wants a child and who is given this awful reality and it isn’t something I would ever wish upon my worst enemy. It’s a traumatic, exhausting, isolating, painful, scary and extremely lonely experience and it can destroy many aspects of your life, both emotionally and physically. I know we haven’t been trying as long as some couples and that we are still in the early stages of treatment but our two years of heartbreak feels like a lifetime to me and our pain is just as real.

Sorry for my soapbox, it just really bothered me that people can judge others so quickly without really knowing their story because we should all be willing to be there for others no matter what. I hope everyone can take something away from this post and that everyone who is currently going through this incredibly difficult experience, whether it has been 3 months or 10 years, gets their miracle soon. I know in my heart of hearts this experience has made Mike and I better people, will make us better parents, has strengthened our marriage and is happening for a reason. I just think it’s going to take patience to see what that reason is.

Again, thanks to each of you for all of your support, love, comments and for reading our blog. We couldn’t get through this without you and I look forward to getting to know all of you who have shared your own story. Please don’t hesitate to email me at LaurenNRicci@gmail.com or leave a comment if you wish. I love hearing from you!

This wait will soon end and “what isn’t today might be tomorrow”. At least that’s what I keep telling myself…

Acupuncture for Infertility

I have done a lot of research about the positive effects acupuncture can have on fertility. This cycle I decided to try it out and had my first treatment on the first day of my cycle. I have been going every week and my last treatment will be tomorrow. It has been helpful in relaxing me, but I also feel that the treatments have had a positive impact on my fertility. This month is the best I have felt and while I can’t the first treatment increased my cramping and back pain immensely; I haven’t had any trouble since. If you want to try something in addition to traditional medicine, I highly recommend acupuncture. I have been seeing Bea Hammond, a licensed and certified acupuncturist, and you can visit her website here. http://harmonyacupunctureclinic.org/index.htm.

In addition to acupuncture, I have been taking Vitex, which is an over the counter herb that has been used for centuries to help women suffering from infertility. Vitex, which is made from Chasteberry, regulates human hormone levels naturally and forces the pituitary gland to produce more Luteinizing Hormone, which then increases progesterone. It can also prolong the luteal phase. I found it for $6.00 at Harmons and am hoping Baby Ricci is a $6.00 miracle!

Here is some information from www.AmericanPregnancy.org on how acupuncture works and why it can be helpful in treating infertility. I think it’s worth a try, especially if your health insurance covers it, which most are starting to do.

Acupuncture is the insertion of ultra-thin, sterile needles into specific acupuncture points on the body which reside on channels or meridians; these are pathways in both the exterior and interior of the body. These points, when needled, can regulate the way in which the body functions. Acupuncture helps by addressing problems that affect fertility such as under-functioning (hypothyroidism) or over-functioning (hyperthyroidism).

Can acupuncture be used to treat infertility?
Acupuncture, frequently combined with herbal medicine, has been used for centuries to treat some causes of infertility. For example, acupuncture and herbs will not work to address tubal adhesions which can occur as a result of pelvic inflammatory disease or endometriosis. However, in this situation, an individual could still benefit from acupuncture and herbs because of the potential effect of improved ovarian and follicular function. Additionally, it is shown that acupuncture can increase blood flow to the endometrium, helping to facilitate a thick, rich lining.

When should acupuncture treatment begin?
Acupuncture is similar to physical therapy in that it is a process oriented method of medical intervention. It is better to do more than less. Patients are commonly treated for three to four months before an insemination, in vitro fertilization (IVF), or donor-egg transfer. This period of treatment seems to have a therapeutic effect. In a study by Stener-Victorin et al from the Departments of Obstetrics and Gynecology Fertility Centre, Scandinavia and University of Gothenburg, women are encouraged to receive acupuncture treatments pre and post embryo transfer. Clinical observations from the Berkley Center for Reproductive Wellness suggest that the most effective fertility treatments involve a combination of acupuncture, herbal medicine, and traditional medical interventions. However, conception does sometimes occur when acupuncture and herbal medicines are used without traditional medical interventions.

When should I stop getting acupuncture?
Typically most miscarriages occur within the first three months of pregnancy. Therefore, treatment of patients may often last through week twelve to help prevent miscarriage.

Are the acupuncture points different after an insemination, IVF, or donor-egg transfer than before?

Your acupuncturist should not place needles in the abdomino-pelvic area after insemination or transfer. There are 6 contraindicated acupuncture points which should be avoided when the patient is pregnant or pregnancy is suspected. These include Gallbladder 21, Stomach 12, Large Intestine 4, Spleen 6, Bladder 60, Bladder 67 and any points on the lower abdomen.

What are the risks of using acupuncture?
There are minimal risks when using acupuncture for fertility treatment. A risk of miscarriage may develop if incorrect acupuncture points are used when a woman is pregnant. This is one reason why those wishing to include acupuncture in their treatment regimen should only be treated by an acupuncturist who specializes in treating fertility disorders. Acupuncture is not contraindicated for anyone regardless of their pathology or what medications they are taking.

What types of fertility patients typically get acupuncture?
Acupuncture can be used to treat any type of fertility disorder including spasmed tubes. (Spasmed tubes are often de-spasmed with acupuncture, though blocked tubes will not respond to acupuncture). Acupuncture is often combined with herbs to treat elevated follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), repeated pregnancy loss, unexplained (idiopathic) infertility, luteal phase defect, hyperprolactinemia (when not caused by a prolactinoma), polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) with annovulatory cycles, and male factor including men affected with sperm-DNA-fragmentation.

Is acupuncture a licensed profession?
In most states acupuncture is a licensed profession. You can visit www.nccaom.org to find a licensed and Board certified acupuncturist in your area. It is important to recognize that being licensed and Board certified does not imply expertise in reproductive disorders.

and Now We Wait...

I swear, the two week waiting game is the most difficult part of this whole process because everything is completely out of your control now. When you first begin your cycle, you begin taking your pills, you track everything, and you know you are starting the whole infertility process over. Then you make it to day 10 and have the “trying” to focus on. When day 21 hits though, all you can do is wait. I have found this is the time when my hope really builds as I start noticing any change my body makes, read into everything that could be construed as a sign of pregnancy and start thinking of how I will react, which friends I will confide in and how I will tell Mike if it is finally the month that my test is positive. I can’t tell you how many tests I have taken during this two week period and how many times my heart has been broken by yet another negative. It is exhausting and nerve-racking and in my case, has only ever ended in devastation. My new favorite website and support center www.resolve.org has some helpful tips on their website for “Surviving the Two Week Wait”. Here they are…

Emotional Coping Strategies
• Limit the number of people you tell about your cycle and let them know how you will share the outcome of the cycle. Some couples tell their family and friends, "No news is bad news," to eliminate the need to call them with bad news.
• Decide in advance how you will handle questions from those you have told. Sometimes it helps to rehearse your responses.
• Decide with your partner how you want to receive the news about the cycle. For example, if you are having a blood test to determine if you are pregnant, decide where and to whom the results should be given. Some women want their husband's to give them the news, whether it is good or bad, versus hearing a message on the answering machine.
• Set time aside to talk with your partner about your feelings.
• Tell your partner what you will need if the news is not positive. Do you want to be distracted and go out to eat or to a movie, or do you want to be left alone? Do you want to talk about the next steps in treatment or options, or wait a few days? Give your partner specifics on this- he can't read your mind.
• Treat yourself by spending time doing the things you enjoy the most: preparing a wonderful meal, taking long walks or curling up and reading a good book.
• Protect yourself emotionally. For example, don't plan on going to a dinner party given by a pregnant friend the day you expect to get your pregnancy test results.
• Take slow, deep breaths when you are feeling anxious. This basic technique can assist you physiologically, as well as being mentally calming.
• Try reframing your thoughts. This is very helpful when you are experiencing negative thoughts or if your thoughts are driving you crazy by alternating between thinking you are or aren't pregnant. For example, the thought "The test will be negative and I'll never be pregnant," may end up as "I am open to the possibility of being pregnant and I'm doing everything I can to make that happen."

Who knew a 28 cycle (or in my case a 35 day cycle) could have such an effect on your life! Patience truly is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn.